Hey guys, welcome back to The Self-Confidence Project. In this episode, I’m diving deep into the concerning impact of artificial intelligence (AI) on modern dating. While AI can assist with crafting perfect messages and conversations, have you pondered the consequences of relying on it too much? I’ll discuss how this may lead to increased disconnection, insecurity, and emotional avoidance. I’ll also identify red flags signaling that your online match might be using AI to impress you. If you’re serious about finding genuine connection in dating, stick around to understand why navigating AI carefully is crucial.
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Ready for tailored support? Book your 1:1 dating strategy call with me here and let’s map out your next steps.
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See you next week,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. I’m your host, Kimberly, and today I wanna talk about something a little serious, and that’s the dark side of artificial intelligence in modern dating, and I get it. AI can help you write the perfect opening message. It can help you carry on that conversation.
It can probably even be really helpful in actually securing and getting on the date. But are you asking yourself at what cost and what happens when modern dating becomes more about performing than it does about genuine connection and presence? And so in today’s video, I’m not here to just knock ai. I just wanna talk about how AI can have the potential to quietly destroy real connection in dating.
And for those of you that are out there and genuinely wanting to find a great partner so that you don’t have to worry about being online and can actually just go out and live your best life, then you might wanna stick around and understand why AI is something really careful that you want to navigate through and why it’s gonna start leading to more disconnection.[00:01:00]
Increase insecurity in individuals and actually encourage emotional avoidance more than ever before. And later. In today’s episode, I’m also gonna walk you through some chilling red flags that you wanna watch out for if you think someone’s using AI to impress you. And I’m also gonna share a true and very disturbing story from a recent New York Times article that talks about people replacing real partners.
With ai, boyfriends and girlfriends. So you’re gonna want to stick around for that one. Now, if you’re new to this channel, welcome aboard. My name is Kimberly. We talk all things life, dating and relationships. I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. And if you’re like finding, navigating modern dating, tricky, you don’t really want to use online dating apps, so you kind of feel you need to.
Um, and you know, it’s been a long time since you really have boots on the ground, went out there and dated because you’re dating again after a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship. Or maybe your partner passed away and, and now you’re thinking about, well, hey, there’s, there’s someone new I can share my life [00:02:00] with.
Um, you might be thinking, wow, modern dating feels really convoluted, really complicated, really complex, and maybe even really irritating. And so if you need a little hand with that, you’re welcome to book a complimentary consultation with me. I support good hearted men to attract deeply meaningful relationships, and I’ll be more than happy to chat with you and see if we’re a good fit.
Okay. Now firstly, let’s talk about why AI is so tempting. I get it. It’s tempting in pretty much all areas of business and with dating, well, dating makes us feel very vulnerable and very exposed. So if you don’t wanna look particularly foolish or you really want to get on a date with this great woman that you see in front of you on this profile, then you’re probably thinking, well, I wanna say the right thing.
And since I’ve been out of this game for a little while, I’m gonna turn to AI or to chat GBT to help me curate my opening lines and opening messages. And here’s how this usually plays out. Okay? So one of the motivating reasons why a lot of us are going, [00:03:00] okay, we, I want this little bit of help is because it’s just gonna produce 50 quick witting, lot witty lines for you create, uh, flirty comments that you can use maybe even.
Poetic compliments and it will do it really fast and it makes it look like, or it makes you feel like, I got game. Here’s the problem. You didn’t come up with that. So when a woman responds, now you’re having to Google your response. You might be lost. You can’t really naturally follow through, and so all of a sudden you are creating this expectation gap.
You say something really amazing to a woman. Um, like, you know, she says, well, what are you really, you know, looking for? What have you learned from your past relationship? And you say something like, oh man, real connection. It takes a lot of honesty. Um, but then you show up on the date and you’re actually really guarded and really emotionally avoidant because those weren’t your words.
That’s not genuine to you. And so you are actually presenting yourself as someone who’s very inauthentic. [00:04:00] Now, we might also turn to AI because, well. I’m a little bit, a little bit scared of dating and I don’t really want to be rejected and I have a little bit of anxiety, so. AI can feel like a bit of a suit of armor.
So if you’re a little bit nervous about messing up, especially in online conversations, or you think things are gonna go a little awkwardly, well, you can just blame chat GBT if things don’t work out for you. But here’s the truth, you’re not gonna build a real connection this way. And rejection’s also a muscle.
So if AI or chat GBT is doing all the thinking and and conversing for you, then you are as an individual, are not growing. In fact, I would argue you’re going backwards. So when you actually come up to conflict or friction on a date and dis disagreement. You are going to be unable to respond. You might freeze, you might ghost, or you might shut down because you’re not naturally working on how to [00:05:00] deal with these types of situations.
And this is scary, guys, because when you look at this happening societally and you expand it across a five to 10 year timeframe. Communication is already something our society is struggling with. Connection is something our society is struggling with and most people might think, oh, AI is the gonna bridge that gap, but there’s lots of opinions out there.
And mine is that it might frankly be what’s truly going to, uh, hurt us as a society now. You also might be using AI or things like chat, GPT to avoid doing your own self-reflection as you’re navigating dating. So you might think, well, why Googling? Well, why, why am I attracting, uh, an emotionally avoidant women?
Or what, what can I say to a woman when she pulls away? Versus really reflecting and asking yourself, you know, why do I continue to chase women who are avoiding [00:06:00] me? And if you’re not doing this reflection, but rather you’re just trying to Google the answers for how you need to be, or what you need to say, or how you need to show up, then you are playing a surface level.
Game. Because if all you are doing is thinking about the tactics in dating, then you’re, you’re robbing yourself of your authentic version of you. So you’re not going to learn to talk about yourself in an authentic way. You’re not gonna understand how to talk about your needs or even your story. And women are gonna feel that.
So what happens is. You’re falsely representing yourself, or you might start to do that. If you rely on AI too much, you’re going to create this persona of this like witty guy who has all these great lines on a dating app, but you can’t actually live up to that because. That’s not who you are. So when she meets this real you, she either feels tricked or something feels off to her, and a woman’s intuition is very powerful.
Now, maybe the result here is that you do a little emotional bypassing, so AI becomes a [00:07:00] crutch for you, like it is for a lot of people who use AI to replace their therapist. And so maybe you’re not actually learning how to flirt, or you don’t really know how to express your feelings. You don’t know how to resolve conflict because AI’s doing it all for you.
So you’re avoiding the discomfort that real intimacy requires great relationships, great intimacy, long-term couples that truly love each other, have been through some shit. Right. So what also can happen if you’re relying on AI too much, or it’s too tempting to use, is you’re gonna widen social gaps. So when everybody starts using AI to seem incredibly confident, nobody is actually learning how to truly be confident from the inside out.
And you’re gonna lose, lose this ability to, um, flirt in real time or to even be awkward or to just really be a, a human. Now, I also wanna tell you about. Um, someone who is using AI in a way that kills connection. But before I get to that, in [00:08:00] January, 2025, the New York Times published an article called the Chat, GPT Boyfriend.
Okay? So in this article, we’re referring to a woman here who formed a romantic relationship with an AI bot. A long term one, by the way. So she programmed it in a sense to. Send her good morning text to send her the compliment she likes to hear, to give her that unwavering attention that she really wants.
And the woman actually in the article said, sometimes I forget, he’s not even real like this is a problem, right? Because this woman is essentially falling for a fictitious person, it is a fantasy. She’s losing the ability to love a real person. And I, I know that. And, and, and what actually this article is stating is that more women are actually turning to AI boyfriends than men are in that, uh, [00:09:00] in this di dichotomy, in this dynamic.
So. What happens is this woman is now expecting perfection because she’s programmed this guy to say all the right things and do all the right things all the time. But humans are not like that. You guys know that. Nobody is perfect. We are messy human beings. We forget things. We get triggered, we mess up, we apologize.
We grow. And AI can’t give you that discomfort. It can’t give you that mirroring, can’t give you that growth. And also, you know what, it can’t give you a real person. So what’s really happening here is disconnect. By the way, I’ll, I’ll link to that article, um, in the show notes so you can go check it out for yourself, okay?
Because here’s what’s really happening. Disconnection is getting reinforced. AI can give you the illusion of emotional intimacy without the risk of it actually having to be seen or go out there. In fact, that’s kind of what porn does for a lot of people, right? You have the illusion that you’re having this sexual intimacy, but that’s not a real person.
That person does not care about you, right? There’s no [00:10:00] real vulnerability and there’s no real growth. So what’s happening here is your emotional muscles. Are gonna atrophy, right? Real relationships and conflict resolution and boundaries and patience, you know, takes actual practice. So if your partner never disagrees with you.
You’re never going to evolve. Also, you don’t wanna be in a relationship with someone that never disagrees with you. That is, uh, the worst relationship you could be in. ’cause you’re never gonna grow. You’re never gonna become a better version of yourself. You’re never gonna be challenged. And we need to be challenged.
Humans need to do, humans need to do tough things and overcome tough challenges in order to become better humans. And what’s happening is people become products. Love turns into something that you consume. I just want more of this, more of this and more of this and more of this versus something that you have to co-create and build.
And this terrifies me as a dating and relationship coach who genuinely wants people to have beautiful relationships and is no stranger to the struggle that [00:11:00] relationships can present us. Intimacy struggles, communication struggles, being triggered, finances, all of those things. You know, we often wanna avoid discomfort.
But discomfort is where real connection grows. So here’s something you wanna be mindful of. If you are talking with, let’s say, a woman or a guy online, ’cause this woman is for men and women alike, right? And you wanna be mindful of maybe some red flags that someone might be using AI a little bit too much.
Well, you wanna keep this in mind. Do their texts to you, their text messages to you, sound really polished. Do they sound very poetic or are they a little bit robotic? Okay, so people don’t text perfectly. People make. Grammatical errors, people use short form. Um, oftentimes we make mistakes when we’re typing with our thumbs.
And so even myself, when I’m curating a nice text to my [00:12:00] partner, to someone in my family, often after I send it, I, I read it back and think, oh, shoot, I, I made some kind of error because we, we text quickly typically. And so if you’re receiving texts or messages on a dating app from someone and they’re like very polished.
Um, and very poetic and very robotic. Be mindful they’re probably getting AI to write their messages for you. Okay. Now something to be mindful of as well is if a person that you’re having a conversation with isn’t really remembering what they said previously, it’s because when we have to think through how to respond and what to say, we have an emotional investment in that.
Therefore, our memory’s gonna be better than if we just outsource someone else to do the work for us. We’re gonna be like. I don’t remember saying that because you didn’t actually say it, someone else said it for you. So if someone’s not really remembering prior conversations you had, that’s something to just be a little bit mindful of right now, what about after you get off an app, right?
And you, you’re, you’re on your date with this woman that you’ve been talking to [00:13:00] that just seems really well put together, but her energy feels really off compared to. The woman that you thought you were talking to online. So there’s this real disconnect between the online conversation and the real person and how they speak and how they’re showing up.
And you gotta trust a little bit of your intuition there that something is off for a reason. Okay? Now, you’re also gonna notice as a red flag that. Uh, women or men are avoiding emotional topics or they’re avoiding conflict completely, um, because they may just not have the ability to handle that in real life.
So ask yourself, does this person that I’m talking to seem really present? Or are they just really efficient? Right? Are they connected to their own words that they’re saying? Or do I feel like this person is performing? So I wanna talk a little bit about why. Dating apps. Should really ditch these AI generated responses because I know that they can help you formulate [00:14:00] great opening messages.
Maybe that gives you this artificial boost of confidence. But dating apps were designed at least, I truly believe they were designed to bring people closer together, not to help people fake being somebody else. And when we have too much AI in dating, especially in the conversational piece where you.
Actually find out if you’re connected and you have that spark, it turns connection into like more kind of content and it encourages people to be crafty in how they market themselves versus being real and being vulnerable. So I’m terrified because of this. Instead, I really feel like dating apps should, you know, use prompts that help people.
Really think about how they wanna respond. And that’s an exercise I do with my clients to formulate genuine answers based on who they truly are. Not perfect responses that they think are gonna get them the woman they want when they don’t really know who they are. And I think dating apps should promote, um, you know, voice notes, [00:15:00] um, and maybe even video at certain times when it’s appropriate because these things are a little harder to fake, although.
I mean these days, clearly not. You never know, like for all, you know, I could be AI generated. I’m not. But that’s how hyper-realistic things are. And I really feel like dating apps should reward authenticity, um, you know, not be rewarding. Marketing, chemistry, clickbait, chemistry and this kind of stuff. So guys, I wanted to share this today because look, I, I think AI can be tremendously powerful, but connection is, human connection will always.
Be human and dating is not a game that you wanna win. It’s about understanding who you are and building a relationship with somebody. Now, if we keep deferring and outsourcing vulnerability and risk to machines, then we risk losing the very thing that we are ultimately chasing, which is intimacy and growth [00:16:00] and real love.
And I’ll let you know about a personal story ’cause the other day I had a conflict with my partner and I was really tempted to chat GBT the answers to it. And I did just to see what it would come up with. And I think it gave me absolutely horrible advice on how to deal with the situation. And if I didn’t have my own ability to critical think outside of that, um, it would’ve really been validating a feeling that.
It wasn’t even necessarily accurate about the situation, and I think we really need to be mindful of how we rely and how we use this tool. Now, if you wanna see the full article that I, I, uh, spoke briefly about from the New York Times, I’m gonna link it below. But guys, let me know what you think in the comments here.
Have you. Are you experiencing this with online dating? Are you using chat GBT to do the thinking for you? Do you feel like messages you’re receiving from women [00:17:00] are a little too poetic and a little too perfect? How are you feeling about the chemistry you’re building online versus the chemistry in real person?
Is there a lot of disconnect happening here? Let’s talk about it. Let’s open some dialogue here. I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you disagree with everything I’ve said, then please present your case. Um, as to, you know, why you think that AI is actually building human connection versus robbing us of it.
Um, let’s have a, a, a healthy dialogue below. Drop your comments and of course, if you enjoyed this video, or at least what we made you think about, um, please consider subscribing to this channel. And guys, look forward to chatting with you all again next week. Ciao.
