In this episode of The Self-Confidence Project, Kimberly discusses a psychological hack that hugely impacts dating. This psychological principle explains why unfinished or interrupted tasks are remembered more vividly, a technique that can create curiosity and intrigue in dating. Learn practical applications of this for dating and how to leave a lasting impression and foster genuine connections with women.
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Kimberly
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. I’m your host, Kimberly, and today we’re gonna be talking about a psychological principle that a lot of you have probably never heard about, although you’re probably witnessing it and experiencing it in your day-to-day lives. And it is the reason that so many men will stay on a woman’s mind long after the first date or the first interaction in a cafe, bar, whatever you might be approaching and talking to women now.
What I’m sharing with you today is not about looks, it’s not about charms, not about money. Those are factors of course, that contribute to connection with individuals. But what I’m sharing with you today is not even about what you say. It’s all about what you don’t say or what you didn’t say on a date.
And that’s what I’m gonna break down today. I’m gonna share how it works, how you can apply and use this in dating in an ethical, authentic, genuine. Wait. Now before I dive in, if you’re brand new to this channel, welcome aboard. My name is Kimberly. I’m a dating and relationship coach for [00:01:00] men. Um, and we talk all things life and dating and modern, modern dating and all the tricky components of it, and just how to have genuinely loving.
Long-term relationships. Now, what I’m unpacking today is something that’s called the Zegar Effect, and this in fact, is a psychological principle that explains why people, and in this case, women remember unfinished or interrupted tasks more vividly than completed ones. Now, this was named after, uh, psychologist Blue Mazy, Gar.
Who discovered that waiters or servers who are serving you food at a restaurant will remember the unpaid tabs or unpaid bills better than ones that had already been closed. What motivated her to do this study? I have no idea. But this effect is actually being widely used in marketing in cliffhangers on TV shows and on story arcs that are going to, uh, leave you really craving and wanting a [00:02:00] resolution.
So if any of you tune into Amazon Prime or Netflix, or Crave, or whatever you might subscribe to wherever you watch your shows, um, you know, at the end of the first episode. They’re gonna leave you wanting more. The story is not finished, and that’s what makes you press play on episode number two. And that’s what makes you plus pray on episode number three and so on and so forth.
Um, so this is actually the zy gar effect at play because the story is unfinished, um, because you don’t know exactly what’s gonna happen next, or because they’re leaving you at a cliffhanger. You are wanting more. You wanna keep tuning in? So let me turn my phone off here. So, so few people are realizing how powerfully this is actually showing up in dating, or how powerfully it can show up in dating.
Now I’m gonna highlight this through a story. So, um, one of my clients, um, David, he went on a, a date with this, this incredibly beautiful, sharp, engaging woman named Claire. And their first date, they actually decided to go, uh, downtown and meet at a really cozy wine [00:03:00] bar. Um, they had really natural chemistry.
They were both very intelligent individuals, both very curious, and in fact, their first date was going as. Amazingly as one would hope, right? They were even flirty with one another. But over the course of the evening, um, she got more interested in him. She was asking about his recent travels, and the temptation when asked a question like that is to.
Share the story that you have from your recent travel or get into some of the, uh, most exciting content because oftentimes we think that if we share this exciting story that that’s gonna make this person really connect to us, it’s gonna make them really like us. But in this case, David was actually applying the zy garlic effect.
He didn’t recognize he was doing it. He was just doing it naturally. And so when he was talking to Claire, he didn’t just immediately start. Um, taking over the evening, going into this amazing story of this trip from [00:04:00] Peru that he just got back from. He actually hinted at, um, this amazing story, um, from his recent Peru trip, and he kind of teased her a little bit.
He said, well, you know, um, thanks for asking. It was really amazing trip. In fact, there’s this hilarious story, um, that involved like a running into a stranger’s wedding and this flooded river. Um, but David stopped short of telling Claire the whole story and as she was leaning in and was really intrigued, she wanted more.
He was flirting with her. In fact, he smiled and he said, well, that’s actually a story for another night. You’re going to like it, I promise. So this is a perfect example of how the Zy effect, um, creates mystery. It creates intrigue. It actually triggers the psychological elements that create female desire.
So. Claire wanted to know more. She was interested just like you’re interested in pressing play on the next. Uh, epi, uh, Netflix episode, right? And so the date with David and Claire ended with a lot of warmth. [00:05:00] Um, but it ended with this clear sense of possibility because not everything was revealed in that first date.
Um, David didn’t feel he needed to overexplain, or that he had to capture all of her interest in that moment by giving her that whole amazing story of his trip. He wasn’t chasing her. And so what happened next was she texted him the next day and the next day after that. And the reason is because, um, she was still very engaged.
There were loose threads from the evening. She was still thinking about him because David didn’t just give her the whole platter or everything on the menu. And so this is highlighting how sometimes just holding a little bit back in a story in the mysteries of your life and in something that you’re revealing to somebody on a first date can actually lead to more interest, more intrigue, more curiosity, more anticipation, which all trigger, um, the [00:06:00] psychological elements of female desire.
So. I wanna share with you a couple practical applications where you can actually use the zy garic effect in dating. That are all, those are all genuine things, right? These are all authentic things. This is just learning how to become a better storyteller. Um, learning how to become a more intriguing individual.
And this will serve you in your friendships as well. Your next Thanksgiving dinner will be a little more interesting ’cause you’re not gonna give it all away necessarily. So the first practical application, right, is. Leaving some stories unfinished. Now, you’re not gonna leave every answer to every question unfinished, but maybe there are some stories you do leave unfinished because it will create this incomplete emotional loop.
So instead of telling a woman every detail about your career, when she asks you or every detail about your recent travel or trip, um, you’re gonna share part of a compelling story and then you save a piece for later. And you might say something, if you’re a little more [00:07:00] flirtatious, you might say, well, you know, remind me to tell you about the worst air Airbnb experience of my life.
You’re gonna love it. Or me personally thinking of something like, remind me guys to tell you. When I traveled to Hong Kong, when I was working in my pre, my previous career in financial derivatives, I had a trip to Hong Kong that actually involved.
A rugby player, a hotel room, um, and, uh, the threat of death from peanuts. This is a true story, so actually remind me to tell you later, but this is, this is what keeps you intrigued. You wanna know more what is this story? What I wanna get to the ending. Well, in order to get the ending, guys, we gotta go on another date.
We gotta get to know each other a little bit more. ’cause I ain’t giving away all my best stories and secrets to you on date. Number one, you gotta earn it, right? So you leave the story unfinished and that’s one practical application for dating. It’s hugely important. Now, secondly is not over texting. Or over validating a [00:08:00] woman or the interaction.
Post a date. Now it’s really tempting after you have a really wonderful evening with a woman to send her a message the next day. That’s kind of a summarization of the evening. I had a really nice time. It was great to meet you. The food was delicious. I love to see you again. I. It’s like, okay, that’s fine if you wanna send a text like that, but you’re not real, really leaving a woman’s space to reflect on the evening or to miss you.
So a more intrigue, a more playful, a more confident text is going to be something along the lines of, um, I just keep thinking about that hilarious laugh you have when we talked about, um, our Halloween costumes. Um, you’re actually in trouble, and I’m gonna tell you why later. This is like. I’m confident that we’re going to keep this connection going, and so I don’t need to summarize the evening.
I don’t even need to ask you for the next date right away. I’m just, I’m just reveling in how wonderful the connection was and alluding to the fact that we’re gonna see each other again. Um, and you still gotta earn, um, why you’re in trouble or the rest of this story. [00:09:00] And this is called just being. A little more intriguing Right.
Versus writing a woman an a a, you know, summary email post date or, or what kind of feels like an email. You know, dear, you know, Claire, it was so wonderful to meet you last evening and I really enjoyed our connection and I would really like to see you again and I would like to know when you’re free next.
It’s, that’s nice. And women are gonna still enjoy. Receiving those messages. But she’s also, if she’s got two guys in front of her and she had two good dates and one man sends her this like very nice summary and the other guy intrigues her in this playful way, you know what option she’s picking, right? So a third practical application guys for, for how you can use this in dating.
I just saw a spider on my wall. Jesus Christ. I’m not a spider lady. Okay, the third application. For how you can use this, as I keep my eye on it, is. Um, teasing the next date without [00:10:00] giving it all away. So, uh, you wanna create this cur curiosity. So if a woman, um, you know, receives a, a message from you and you’re like, Hey, I really look forward to our next date.
This is where I’ve planned. This is the time, this is what this is. You know everything about the details of the event, that’s fine. It’s gonna be helpful. She’s going to be able to think about it. She’s gonna know what’s coming. But if you want to plan a date and keep this anticipation and curiosity and desire going, then you’re gonna say something like, look, I’ve got an idea for our next date.
Um, it’s gonna involve wine, it’s gonna involve, um, a little bit of exercise and possibly some terrible dancing. Um, she’s gonna be thinking, what has this guy got planned for me? And you might say, look, I’ll tell you a little more when we find a time. So again, you’re not giving everything away. And I genuinely believe that this is my own personal principle, that I’ve lived my life by that anticipation.
Is half of life’s pleasure. So when I can anticipate something without knowing the full details of it, I [00:11:00] get excited. In fact, sometimes a little bit of anxiety because I don’t know what’s coming and I, I hope that I’m prepared. And you know what? That puts me in a position somewhat of submission to the person organizing the date or my partner organizing the date.
So I was like. I gotta lean back and trust that you know what you’re doing and that I can follow you to this great experience. So when you’re planning a date with a woman, it’s, you know, don’t give her all of the details about everything. Intrigue her, be playful, man. It’s, it’s so fascinating how.
Interested I am when you don’t tell me everything versus when you do tell me everything. And I think that is very true based on the Cy Gar effect, uh, and for how women get really connected to men. Now, another practical application guys, for how you can use this as date on dating. Is end your evening, end your date, or end your conversation on a high note.
I’ve been talking about this for ages before I knew it was part of the Zegar effect [00:12:00] and this leaves a woman wanting more. So a practical example here is let’s say you see this beautiful woman at a restaurant, um, and, and you decide at some point to or at a bar, right? You go up next to her to order your own drink and you start to chit chat with her and you’re having this like fun little connection that’s taking place in just a couple minutes.
I. Get outta there. Do not wait until the conversation fades. Don’t wait until the energy fades. Don’t wait for that natural pause to then exit the conversation. Cut this conversation short and cut your dates short while things are still elevated. Right. While they’re still elevated because this amplifies the feeling of wanting more.
Oh, this guy, he just came up in, ordered a drink and we have this amazing connection, and I looked in his eyes and then he’s gone versus I started to chat with this guy and then he kind of hung around a little long, and then thing got a little awkward, and then he asked for me for my number. The first one where it’s short and there’s mystery is so much more intriguing and women are gonna be looking around for [00:13:00] you in this environment.
They’re gonna be wanting more. So you might say, look, I’ve gotta run, but let’s not leave this too long. I wanna hear, um, what you think about. That other restaurant we just talked about. Um, I’d love to grab your number. You grab the number quickly, you get out of there. Don’t linger around. Lingering creates pressure.
Pressure creates avoidance for women, avoidance means they’re running for the hills, right? So you leave when things are going good, not once they’ve gotten to a point of like, well, I don’t know what else to say. Um, and that’s some practical applications, guys for how you can use the Cy Gar effect. To create intrigue and desire and mystery and anticipation for women you’re dating.
It’s what makes ’em want more of you. And it’s actually a different way of getting the same advice that my therapist gave me years ago. ’cause I was a bit of an anxious dater. And she said, look, Kimberly, you just don’t know enough about this person to be certain. You need to learn a little more. You need to.
Slow things [00:14:00] down. Don’t give all of yourself away from day one thinking that you need to do that in order to win someone’s affection. There’s a quiet confidence in not being fully known or fully understood, especially in the early days of getting to know somebody. So. On an ethical component. ’cause some people think when you talk about psychological hacks, that we’re talking about manipulation.
Now, the goal here is not to play games. The goal here is not to control anybody. It’s to create the natural rhythm of interest and anticipation because women don’t fall for the guy who lays it all out in one sitting. Um, they remember the man who invites discovery over time. In fact, it’s the same.
Principle, you can apply to your intimate experiences with women. You wanna, you don’t wanna eat the whole cake right away. Well. You know, what, uh, what are you gonna be desiring later if you give it all away right from the beginning? So, um, [00:15:00] look, this is a zegar effect. It shows us really that this incompleteness is what can create curiosity.
So think about how maybe you’ve actually been on the receiving end of this and felt really intrigued to learn more. I mean, that’s what movie trailers are all about, right? You get this little snippet of the movie and then you’re like, oh, I wanna watch that because I wanna fill in all the gaps, right? So if you wanna stand out.
Don’t try and tell your whole life story or finish every story or over text or over summarize or give all of the details away with full clarity. Guys, leave some space. Invite this intrigue because if this resonated with you, then I would love to hear your comments below. And I want you to think, have you ever noticed a woman staying curious after you didn’t say everything?
I wanna hear your take. And if you are a man who is really tired of shallow conversations, you’re tired of inconsistent dating, um, and you’re just never really creating that spark with women, then I invite you to book a complimentary, uh, call with me if you think I could be the right fit for you. I’d love [00:16:00] to chat with you.
We’ll get to know each other, see if we’re the right fit for coaching. If not, happy to leave you with some other resources, um, and we’re really look at what’s going on for you and I wanna help you and I help good-hearted men to build real lasting connections. So thanks so much for tuning in today and look forward to another episode next week.
