In this episode, Kimberly Hill, a dating and relationship coach for men, breaks down why a woman may become quieter or less responsive after initially showing strong interest, and why it’s often not about disinterest, but about subtle shifts in the dynamic. Throughout the episode, Kimberly draws a clear distinction between healthy pursuit and chasing, and helps men recognize when they are moving in alignment with mutual interest versus accelerating without true reciprocity.
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See you next week,
Kimberly
So let’s say you’re in this situation where you’ve met a woman, she’s super into you. You could totally feel that she’s been texting you back, she’s been laughing in your conversation. She’s been very engaged. These are all really good signs. And then somewhere between this first conversation you’ve had with her and now something dramatically has shifted.
She has become quieter, her responses have gotten shorter, and you’re sitting there trying to figure out. Okay, what have I done wrong? And that’s a question a lot of men ask themselves. Well, you know, what have I done wrong that has created this behavioral change? And here’s what can often be very hard to hear.
It’s not that you did anything cruel or anything fundamentally wrong. You haven’t lied to this woman. You weren’t disrespectful to this woman. What you did do was try. You tried really, really hard and [00:01:00] that is often what kills attraction and comfort in the early phases of getting to know a woman and. In many minds of many intelligent men, you’re gonna go, this sounds backwards, Kimberly, and I know that everything you’ve been told says that effort and pursuing women means that you’ll get results, like effort equals results.
So stay with me because what I am going to explain to you is not a trick. It’s not a game. It’s actually about. Uh, and it’s not about pretending you don’t care or being ambivalent, right? It’s actually psychology. And once you understand it, you’re never going to unsee. It’s gonna help you understand why sometimes the effort you’re putting into new relationships is backfiring for you.
And if you can unlearn this, then you can have the dating experiences that you’re truly ready for, that you deserve to have. Now, welcome to this channel. My name is Kimberly Hill and I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. I support goodhearted men to attract deeply loving [00:02:00] relationships. And go on to maintain those relationships.
And I work privately with men on a one-on-one basis. So if you have been watching this channel for a while and you’re thinking, Hmm, maybe it is time to reach out to Kimberly for some support, you are welcome to book a complimentary call with me. We’ll chat, we’ll get to know each other. We’ll see if we’re a good fit to work together.
Now let’s get into it because. Here’s something that nobody really talks about. And oftentimes we think that effort is communicating, um, something really, really positive in the beginning of dating. While effort doesn’t communicate what you think it communicates, when you like a woman and you kind of go all in, you dive in with two feet, you become available immediately.
You are initiating conversations constantly. You’re making plans. Um, you’re following up with her. You’re doing everything right by conventional standards. What you are actually signaling underneath all of this is scarcity, and it’s not her scarcity, it’s [00:03:00] yours. So I want you to think about this from the outside.
A man who is reorganizing his entire emotional world around a woman he has known for only a few weeks is subliminally telling this woman without saying a word that this is rare for you. That she is unusually significant and that raises a question in her nervous system, not her conscious mind. And she’s going, why?
So men who have full lives that are genuinely confident, that have real options, don’t do this. And it’s not because they’re cold men. Um, it’s because they are not running on. Fear and fear drives a lot of early dating decisions for men and women. And women can feel the difference between a man who is pursuing her because he genuinely likes her, and a man who is pursuing her because he’s terrified she’s [00:04:00] gonna slip away.
One of them feels fundamentally like desire and the other feels like pressure. And if you’ve watched any of my other videos, you know that pressure, no matter how well intentioned, does not feel like attraction at all. So there is a principle in psychology called reactance. It basically means this, when people feel like their freedom is being constrained, even subtly, they instinctively will move away from whatever is creating that constraint.
So it’s not that when you dive in with two feet, in the early phases of dating, you’re trying to trap a woman, but when your effort is disproportionate to where the relationship actually is, it creates invisible pressure. So a woman will start to feel like she has to respond. And this can be in like really long messages, extravagant first dates, like weekend trips planned really early on, or just, you know, over texting women.
Um, [00:05:00] and so she feels like she has to match this energy. And it can often feel like there’s an expectation building that she’s not quite ready to sign up for yet. Now, especially if you are men that are dating women in their forties, fifties, sixties, they’re still working. They have this, you know, big sense of independence too.
They also are gonna feel like, you know, the fact that their routine in lives is being too constrained in order to be able to get to know you and date you. And so the moment something feels like an obligation, um, desire evaporates. And so this is not manipulation on her part. She’s not punishing you. Um, her nervous system is doing exactly what nervous systems are designed to do to protect autonomy.
And so you guys feel this too. You know, when you reverse a situation, you date a woman who like you might have a great first date with, and then she just starts to invest way more than you’re even ready for. You get suffocated and you probably get rid of that connection pretty quickly. And so what’s happening on the flip side is you might accidentally.
[00:06:00] Make a woman feel, um, like she’s losing her autonomy. Um, and then she’s gonna try and course correct by saying, Hey, I am really busy, or I just have too much going on right now. Um, and you’ll hear those lines from women that, um, may have had a great first date with you, but then feel like the Jess can’t quite keep up to your pace.
So there’s also a neuroscience. Piece here that I find very fascinating because attraction runs very much on dopamine, and dopamine is a chemical of anticipation, not fulfillment. Dopamine is all about what’s to come, not what is. Happening. So the brain stays very engaged when there’s some uncertainty, some question that is still open in the air when you become completely available, completely readable, and completely certain from day one.
You close that loop before she’s even had a chance to get curious about you. So the neurochemistry of desire needs a [00:07:00] little space to build you. You know, you may not be or inadvertently might not be. Giving, um, any space for that to build in early dating, if you’re talking every day on text or just a little bit too available, and this happens when you are very excited, you are wanting to get something or progress the relationship or see this person again because they make you feel so good.
Um, but you’re not creating enough space for desire to naturally emerge or for dopamine to, um, really exist there from her perspective. So here’s. The one that most men push back on the hardest, and I’m gonna say it directly because I think you guys can handle it. You just cannot convince somebody to be attracted to you.
And I know you guys know this, right? You wanna believe that if you. Show up really consistently. You’re very thoughtful. You indicate that you’re serious about relationships, that she’s gonna come around. But desire is not a logical conclusion. It doesn’t respond [00:08:00] to evidence. Women certainly don’t respond this way.
So you can present the strongest, most possible case for why this woman should want you, and it won’t move the needle. Um, and so effort doesn’t equal attraction because she’s not making a. Judicial or court decision, right? She’s feeling something. Or she’s not feeling it. So every text that you send trying to close this gap is actually widening it, because what she’s receiving isn’t your effort.
What she’s receiving is in fact, the anxiety that you have about wanting things to go a certain way or needing that sense of control and anxiety, as you well know, is one of the fastest attraction killers there is. So the man who. Floods. A woman’s phone isn’t showing that he cares. He’s showing her he’s scared and scared.
Doesn’t feel safe to a woman. It just feels like a lot to handle. Now, I know some of you are also thinking right [00:09:00] now, well, Kimberly have been told my whole life that men pursue women. So what is the nuance here? Women want to be pursued, and if I don’t make moves, nothing is gonna happen, and you’re not wrong.
The real truth. Um, there is real truth in what you’re saying here. Directness is attractive. Initiation does matter. Making your interest clear, that is not the problem. The problem is what happens when pursuit becomes chasing. Okay? And the difference between the two comes down to one thing is their reciprocation, healthy pursuit is a response to mutual interest.
You show up, she shows up. You move towards each other and that is what it’s supposed to look like. Chasing is what happens when you keep accelerating. Even in the absence of reciprocation. When you tell yourself that her slow responses are signals for you to try harder. When you interpret that she’s pulling back as a problem that you can solve with more volume, that is not pursuit, that is anxiety.
[00:10:00] Dressed up in pursuits, clothing, so women can feel the difference every time because pursuit comes from confidence and chasing comes from a fear of losing something you’re not even sure you have yet. And this. Doesn’t happen to just men who are dating for this first time in their twenties. This happens to men who are successful, intelligent, who have had marriages, who may be dating again after.
You know, very long-term relationship men who have relationship experience. When you’re thrust back into the modern dating world and you get excited and you have all these different anxieties and emotions going on, even the most level-headed man can find himself getting overexcited and chasing a woman in the early phases of dating.
There’s also a bit of, well, look, if I back off too much, you know, someone else is just gonna swoop right in here. And [00:11:00] people think this, men think this and I wanna take it seriously because it does feel like it’s a very real thing that can happen in the moment. And here’s the question I want you to sit with.
If the only thing keeping her engaged is the sheer volume of your effort. If the moment you ease up to normal self-respecting pace. That she immediately redirects her attention elsewhere, then what exactly did you have? You had her tolerating your presence, and that is not attraction. That is occupation.
So if another man can easily capture her attention because you stomped sending her flowers or taking her on lavish dinners when she was available. And you stop chasing her, then this man didn’t steal anything from you. He’s saving you probably a lot. He walked into this other guy, walked into a space where genuine interest was never really fully established between you two.
And yes, that’s painful to hear, but it’s also really important information because the [00:12:00] alternative, continuing to chase a woman indefinitely, hoping she’ll eventually feel something. That she doesn’t currently feel is gonna cost you guys far more. It’s gonna cost you emotions and time and finances and energy, um, and dignity and the version of yourself that was actually worth being attracted to.
So the right woman, when you show up as a grounded man, a self-possessed man who doesn’t collapse into over effort early on, a woman will notice that, and that’s the man that she’s gonna stay curious about. So I wanna be clear, this video is not. An argument for passivity. I’m not saying don’t put any effort in and, and don’t send that nice message that you’re thinking of her and, and don’t you know, if you’re old school Shiro guy, you’re welcome to bring flowers on the first that you can do any of this stuff.
Doing nothing is not the answer to this. Um, being a lou for being distant or emotionally unavailable is not attractive either. I’m saying avoid the extremes, right? So don’t [00:13:00] walk away from this video thinking that the solution is to pretend you’re ambivalent or don’t care. Um, that’s not the solution. The solution is actually to not be afraid.
Okay? So there is a third option between chasing and being checked out. And it looks like this. It looks like a man who knows what he wants. Moves towards it with clarity and calm and doesn’t need the outcome to be certain before he can feel okay. A man who has a life that matters to him, his own goals, his own friendships, his own sense of direction, and he’s genuinely interested.
And whether the woman he’s dating would like to be part of that, he’s not desperate for her to be. He’s genuinely curious. That man is not trying harder. He’s just not running on. Fear, and here’s what’s interesting. The this version or that version of you is probably much closer to the man she’s genuinely attracted to.
So before all the anxiety kicked in, right before you went [00:14:00] on that date and then realized how much you liked her, and then that changed your behaviors right before all this checking of the phone started, before the energy shifted from, I like this person to, I need this to work. Go back to that guy, right?
He didn’t need to chase anybody. So if this landed for you, then I want you to do one thing before you close this video. Think about where in your current dating life you have been chasing. Women or connections instead of pursuing women. And it’s not so that you can beat yourself up about it, it’s just to get honest with yourself and where you notice things change so you can self-correct because awareness is where things are gonna change for you.
And if you do wanna go deeper on this, well this is exactly the stuff I work with men on in my coaching practice. Of course you are welcome to to book a complimentary call if you would like to work together. And of course, if this video hit home. Share it with someone who needs to hear it. And of course, if you like my content, you’re [00:15:00] welcome to subscribe to my channel.
I have a cheeky little personal goal of getting to a hundred thousand subscribers, which would be really amazing because the truth is some of the most grounded, intelligent, successful men are here on this channel and in this community, and I have the absolute privilege of working with some of them on a one-on-one capacity, and they’re having great success in their dating lives.
They’re having fun. They’re not taking things too seriously. Some of them are even navigating. Multiple choices and figuring out which one they intentionally wanna be with, and that’s a fantastic position to be in. So anyways, guys, look forward to next week’s episode. Chow.
