Are you a good man who keeps hearing, “You’re such a nice guy… but there’s no spark”? In this video, dating and relationship coach Kimberly Hill breaks down why emotionally intelligent, respectful men are often overlooked in dating — and how reclaiming your masculine leadership (with compassion) reignites polarity, attraction, and connection. If you’ve ever felt invisible, friend-zoned, or misunderstood by women, this video will help you understand why, and how to change it.
P.S. If you’re a man navigating dating after divorce, don’t go it alone. My free masterclass was made for you—learn how to rebuild confidence, attract the right women, and avoid common post-divorce mistakes. Watch it here.
Ready for tailored support? Book your 1:1 dating strategy call with me here and let’s map out your next steps.
See you next week,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Have you ever noticed that the men who treat women with the most respect, the really thoughtful men, the grounded, emotionally aware men are often the ones that women overlook. And you might be going, okay, that sounds like me. So why is that? Well, if you’re a man that listens, you remember her coffee order and the type of flower she likes, you send polite texts to her, um, but you never say anything that could upset her.
Then she is going to leave your dates thinking he’s really nice, but there simply is no spark. And this isn’t because women don’t want good men, although I think sometimes women don’t really know what a good man is these days, it’s because these good men have been taught to avoid conflict instead of embodying leadership.
Which comes [00:01:00] with some discomfort, and that’s what I want to talk about in today’s video. Now, if you’re brand new to this channel, welcome aboard. We talk all things life, dating, and relationships. My name is Kimberly Hill. I support good hearted men to attract deeply loving relationships and for decades, men have been told to be very nice.
You have been raised to be told to be really agreeable. You’ve been told that you shouldn’t make a woman uncomfortable. Yes. Okay. These are good things to a degree. Kindness, emotional safety are totally vital things, but many men have taken that message and buried their instincts. You, you gave your instincts a proper bural and you buried along with it, your edge and your truth, and your fricking opinions, right?
So you’ve become polite, but passive or empathetic. But also unsure or supportive, but never directive. And [00:02:00] maybe it’s because your relationship conditioned you that way, or your mom through no fault of her own, or maybe through a fault of her own conditioned you that way. So what happens is you might have come a little bit predictable.
You’re a really neutral and safe guy, but what’s missing is your darn heartbeat. And in dating. Safety, all of the safety stuff that you have embodied is great, but that without your aliveness reads as friendship. It doesn’t read as that spark or that chemistry that women will be looking for and assessing in order to continue with you romantically.
Now you can be a phenomenal, great man and still not evoke desire if your energy is lacking this aliveness and direction. So what I wanna talk about is that attraction isn’t. Logical. It’s biological. So [00:03:00] our nervous system responds to this polarity, this masculine and feminine energy in dance, right? The masculine energy leads through presence and clarity.
The feminine energy responds through emotion and expression. So when you are hiding your truth. Your opinion, your real feelings, just to keep the peace. You flatten that polarity, squish it like a pancake. Okay? Now, if you stop being the conductor of energy and you become a passenger, um, you’ve seen this play out, right?
You ask the woman, where do you wanna go tonight? What do you wanna do tonight? And she goes, I don’t know. You decide, and you go, I’m easy. Whatever you want. I’ve said this in many other videos, you might think you’re being accommodating, right? But unconsciously she feels you are [00:04:00] handing her the steering wheel.
Um, and with it, her attraction dissolves. Why? Because she’s no longer in her feminine receptive energy, and she now needs to go drive the train. She needs to put on her conductor hat. She goes in her masculine energy and get all her planning logical mode, and the attraction dissolves. So the moment you stop leading her, she stops feeling you and culturally.
You guys are stuck in a double bind. I get it. It’s tough out there. You are told to be sensitive, but you’re mocked for being soft. I hear that you are told to be strong, but you’re shamed for being assertive. So what do you do? You freaking give up. ’cause that’s exhausting to figure that out. And then you shrink yourself and you’re try, or you’re trying to figure out maybe with a lot of anxiety, how to walk this thin line between nice and safe.
Like what does it even not mean? [00:05:00] So meanwhile, right, well, you’re like on this fricking tight rope, okay. Fighting for your life. Fighting for the hope of romantic relationships, women. On the other hand, I’ve been encouraged to be ambitious, outspoken to be self-sufficient, all great things. But it has created confusion in your dating dynamics.
So women are being encouraged to kind of be the leaders, but yet they desperately want men to lead, but they don’t know how to sometimes let men lead. You guys are like, I don’t know how to lead without being a. So we have all this ping pong of mess going back and forth, and when both of you are trying to lead from the same energetic space, passivity, in some cases polarity collapses, or you’re both trying to lead polarity collapses.
And this is not about gender roles. This is just about energy. This is about learning to meet strength with groundedness, independence, with direction, emotion with containment. And men today are not lacking goodness. They’re fricking lacking [00:06:00] permission to own their power with love. You’re lacking permission to own your power with love.
So what does healthy leadership actually look like? Because it’s not dominance. It’s not just telling people what to do all the time. It’s not being controlling. It’s not being louder, stronger, better than the other person. It’s clarity. So if a woman says to you. Mmm. I don’t really feel like going out tonight.
And you might say, that’s okay, but I’d still like to grab dinner. I’ll text you when I’m back. She says, I don’t really feel like going out tonight. And you tell her that’s okay, but I am still gonna grab dinner. I will text you when I’m back. You’re not punishing her. You’re leading yourself and [00:07:00] paradoxically, did I say that right?
That self-leadership creates safety for her. She might get a little bit annoyed with you in that moment because you’re standing your ground and she’s going like, but I told him I don’t feel like going out tonight. And instead of you being like, okay, well I’ll just stay in with you. You’re like, yeah, that’s great.
I get that respect that you do you, and I’m gonna grab my dinner and I’ll text you when I’m back. So you stand up to her a little bit, but you’re not an asshole. You’re not being controlling. You’re just saying, I, I beat to my own drum too lady. So may or maybe. By the way, as I’m recording this, I’m looking through my window and there’s the cutest little gray squirrel up on the fence there eating his knot.
And it’s the same squirrel that I saw earlier out my window digging a hole to hide his knot. And I think it’s the fricking cutest thing. So you know when people say like they have a DD and they’re like metaphorically distracted by a squirrel, literally there’s a squirrel behind the [00:08:00] screen. I kid you not.
But anyways, to go back to this important subject, maybe a woman says something really critical to you, something that crosses a boundary of yours, and because you were told, don’t upset women and be polite. You naturally, you kind of just swallow it. You let it slide. Maybe instead this time you say, you know, I really care about you, but when you talk to me that way, it shut me down.
So let’s not do that. A woman’s gonna be like, what? Strong woman especially is gonna be like, fuck, she’s gonna think F you, but thank you. She’s gonna think F you, but thank you. Remember that a strong independent woman will think F you, but thank you. The FU is because yeah, that sucks. No one likes being corrected.
In fact, I used to say to my partner when he would be like this, ’cause he’s very good at doing this, he stands up for himself. I’d be like, I feel like you’re [00:09:00] scolding me like I’m a little child. And I know in his brain he’s like, because you’re acting like one, right? So the FU comes out, but then the thank you is like, you know what?
It’s so nice to know if someone stands up for themselves and has boundaries because the alternative is that they don’t. And what happens is actually a worst version of me can come out. The controlling, unhappy, resentful version starts to spill out. So in this moment, I care about you, but when you talk to me that way, it shuts me down.
Let’s not do that. It’s firm, it’s compassionate, it’s fair. That is assertiveness with compassion, right? And in that moment, that subtle refusal to make yourself small, that refusal to collapse. It earns her respect, but she won’t admit it right away. And if she does right away, good on her. Most women will be like, Hmm.
They’ll wallow [00:10:00] in their own little misery for a few minutes until the clarity comes. We get through our emotional feelings of being told a boundary and then we go, yeah, thank God I respect this man. ’cause he can stand up to me. Yeah, and I, I need a man that can stand up to me because as much as women have been, have been encouraged to be hyper independent individuals, nothing feels better than being with a man who you can feel safe with.
And you can just relax and be the version of you you wanna be, which is your goddess energy, your beautiful feminine energy. So what men, what many men don’t realize is that healthy relationships are not built on constant harmony. They are built on truth. And a man who avoids every disagreement is not peaceful.
He’s disconnected. I know men like that, that have gotten to a point where they think, why bother? And that they just shut their initial reactions to [00:11:00] shut down immediately. That means you’re just so disconnected from your truth and yourself, um, that you need to reconnect to yourself before you can connect to a partner.
And sometimes leadership means risking your female dates or your partner, your new partner. It means risking her disappointment to protect the integrity of the relationship. She might get upset. She might test you a little bit. She might even say, why are you being so stubborn? And your job is not to then go appease that.
It’s to stay grounded in what is right for you. Because if she doesn’t respect your frame, your boundaries, your values, your direction, then she wasn’t respecting you to begin with. So assertiveness does not mean that you shout at her. It doesn’t mean that at all. It means holding your ground [00:12:00] without losing your heart.
It’s looking her in the eyes and saying, I hear you, but I see things differently. I hear you lady, and you’re pretty and all, and darn what I like to cuddle you tonight, but I just see this differently. So I’m okay with a little bit of conflict to protect the integrity of our relationship because I love you.
It’s leadership through emotional stability and that is what separates the man she’s mildly fond of, from the man she deeply trusts. So women don’t want a man who controls ’em, obviously, but they do want a man that they can relax into. So when you become clear on who you are, when you know exactly what you value and why, and you know what you stand for and why you can create the conditions for that relaxation because now she can express emote, even challenge.
And you [00:13:00] don’t waiver. You stay connected, you stay kind, you stay you. That’s emotional leadership. That’s what creates safety and attraction. And the men who master this don’t go around chasing validation. They command the respect not through force. Right? Through consistency. Through direction and the emotional groundedness and the courage to stand up for oneself.
So when I talk about feeling like you’re an invisible man out in the world, um, because you’re a good guy, nice guys, finish last. It’s not because you’re nice. It might because you have abandoned your own truth in the name of harmony. It’s not because you’re too nice, it’s because you’ve abandoned your own truth in the name of harmony.
[00:14:00] And if a woman cannot respect your frame, or if you’re not respecting your own frame because you, you know, you, you bend around a lot, then a woman can’t trust your leadership because if you can’t trust your own leadership, then how can she? So yes, women are going to be the best joys and the both biggest pains in your butt because they will often reflect back to you.
Your level of leadership. Um, and it can be really overwhelming at times, especially with a strong woman. Now, if you cannot hold your ground, she won’t be able to feel your strength. So be kind, obviously be nice, be caring, but for the love of your own masculinity, be firm. You’ve heard it here because love without boundaries isn’t love, and leadership without your heart isn’t power.
The right woman does not need you to be perfect. She just needs to feel that you are leading with compassion, with conviction and with care. Now, I would love to hear your thoughts [00:15:00] on today’s video. I have tried to. Deliver this message in a way that will resonate with a lot of men. I wanna hear your thoughts.
All of them. Okay. If there’s critiques of what I’m talking about here, put them in there too. I can learn something from that as well. Um, but I would love to hear if this was an impactful video that maybe spoke to you in a way that is awakening something within you. Um, that’s my hope for all these videos.
Of course. Um, and it’s been a joy and a pleasure to bring you this one, and I look forward to another one next week. Take care guys.
