Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. Today we’re diving into some of the worst modern dating advice that’s keeping you from genuine connections. We’ll unpack five harmful myths, including the idea that confidence is everything and the dreaded three-day text rule. Through relatable examples, I’ll explain why these myths are detrimental and how you can navigate modern dating with clarity, self-awareness, and genuine presence. If you’re tired of bad dates and ghosting, this episode is for you.
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See you next week,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Welcome back to another episode of The Self-Confidence Project. I’m your host, Kimberly, and today I wanna help you unpack some of the worst modern dating advice that is probably keeping you stuck and stopping you from having the real connection you are searching for now, if you have ever been told by a dating coach, a relationship coach, just some advice that you’ve come across online that you need to just be more confident.
Or that you just need to play it cool with women, or that you need to wait three days to text a woman, then you have probably been set up to fail. And I don’t say this lightly now. The problem isn’t that you’re not trying hard enough in modern dating. It’s that. You’ve been taught a lot of the wrong bits of dating advice, and if you are honestly tired of feeling like you are doing everything right, but women and connections just keep slipping away from you, then this is a video you [00:01:00] absolutely.
Want to stay tuned for now, I’m gonna be unpacking five harmful dating advice myths that you have probably heard and are maybe even trying to apply to modern dating. Now, before I dive in, if you’re brand new to this channel, welcome aboard. My name is Kimberly Hale, my men’s dating and relationship coach, and we talk all things life and dating and navigating modern dating.
And also forming genuine loving connections. Now, the first myth that I wanna unpack for you guys is just be confident or confidence is everything. Now, we’ve heard this a lot, probably in every single self-help book you’ve ever come across because this. Myth was popularized through pop culture. It was popularized through pickup artist circles, and even corporate motivational speakers will tell you that confidence is everything.
You just [00:02:00] need to do things with confidence. And so confidence has become this golden trait. And it’s this one size fits all answer to success with women, but this is what you weren’t told. And that’s confidence without self awareness is just a bunch of noise. Now, why this can be harmful, guys is that if you are trying to perform confidence, right, you’re trying to act confident, then it honestly comes across.
As arrogance or overtalk, or even being emotionally shut down, and women just simply don’t feel safe around that kind of energy because real connection requires you to be a lot more present. It requires things like humility and empathy, not bravado. So let me give you an example here. Okay? A man, great man who [00:03:00] has read.
Uh, self-help book where he realizes he just needs to be a little more confident on a date. Okay, so he shows up on this date and he’s kind of dominating the conversation because he’s really confident about his stories and what he wants to talk to this woman about. And he’s name dropping and he actually kind of shares or overs shares.
Um, you know, that he makes a lot of money or that he travels a lot and he really thinks that he’s showing how confident he is about his life by talking about it confidently. And he really thinks, you know what, I’m gonna impress this woman. Meanwhile, this woman has already tuned out because she never really felt invited.
Into this date or conversation with you, this guy is the confident performer. Not the actual connector. Now what about how this confidence is? Everything shows up in online dating. Okay, [00:04:00] so your dating profile just actually lists out that you’re confident, that you’re ambitious, that you travel, and that you really know what you’re looking for because you were told that confidence is everything.
So you’re confidently stating what you are looking for from a partner. And this actually comes across as self-congratulatory. Not magnetic and women will skip your profile because they’re like, well, this guy feels a little bit shallow. Um, or This feels a little bit intimidating. This doesn’t feel warm and engaging.
God forbid, I don’t have one of the things that this man is looking for on his profile. So I’m just gonna swipe past it because I don’t even want to try and prove myself here. So this is why this dating advice. If applied without self-awareness becomes actually really harmful to your connection. And the difference here is that when a man knows who he is and what he [00:05:00] truly values, and now he understands how to express himself with intention, this is what becomes magnetic without you performing confidence.
Okay. Let’s get into myth number two, which you have probably heard. And this says, guys, don’t show too much interest in a woman. Okay? Because this myth, where did this come from? Well, this is rooted and in fear, and a lot of older dating advice would’ve taught men to be kind of like aloof or really mysterious, okay?
Or somewhat unavailable because of the underlying belief that. Desire only grows in distance. Now there are some. Nugget of truth in here, but unfortunately it gets really interpreted as a blank statement and it turns genuine [00:06:00] curiosity into this game playing and strategy and manipulation. And what’s happening here, guys, is if you are trying to be disinterested, right, what happens is this creates confusion.
It actually makes a woman question your intentions, and she’s gonna second guess that entire vibe that you have with one another. She’s going to make the safer assumption that you’re just not into her because connection doesn’t thrive on withdrawal. It actually thrives on clarity and mutual excitement.
So here’s an example of how this myth is gonna harm you. Now, let’s say you go on a great first date, or you think it’s a great first date. She’s laughing, you’re vibing. But instead of texting her in the next few days, you wait and you wait and you’re waiting a really long time, and you’re like, well, I just can’t text her at all.
And I can’t [00:07:00] let her know at all that I’m interested in her. And I can’t compliment her at all because this is a beautiful woman and there’s a hundred guys pining for her attention, and I’m gonna be the one that’s different. And what happens is you created so much. Distance that she assumes you’re not even interested, and then by the time you do reach out, well the spark has completely faded away.
You ultimately lost your chance because you didn’t show any ounce of vulnerability. You didn’t show any ounce of, I’m excited to meet you. I can’t wait to get together again. You were just super, super flat thinking that you needed to almost disappear. Um, in order to be successful with this woman. And what happens is if you show up on a date and you flirt and you show up with charm, but then you never really make a move or you never really ask her out, or you never really compliment her, then she’s gonna think, well, this guy’s either playing games.
Or he’s just simply [00:08:00] emotionally unavailable, and either way, this woman is walking away from the connection. Because the truth here, guys, is that attraction isn’t about hiding how you feel. It’s about pacing and present. So showing interest is important. But you don’t go to the other end or the other extreme or swing the pendulum from complete disinterest thinking that that’s a good strategy to smothering a woman with compliments and text.
Um, because again, that that is not a good, it’s just not how connection builds when you’re smothering somebody. Attraction isn’t about hiding how you feel. You do share how you feel. You do share that you’re excited, you do share that you’re nervous, you do share that you wanna get together. Again, you do share that there’s, you feel like a kid when you’re talking to her.
You do share that she’s absolutely stunning and beautiful and that her mind is, [00:09:00] um, just fascinating to you and that the story of her life is intriguing you so much that she’s. The first woman you’ve met that you just have this amazing connection with. She needs to hear that. But you need to pace that out, right?
You don’t hold it back completely and you don’t smother her with it either because attraction builds with good pacing and it builds with presence. Okay? Now the third myth that you’ve all for sure heard, and I’ve heard most all my clients say that they have heard this. Some somewhere in a book on a podcast, which is you need to wait three days to text a woman back.
And I don’t know. But this rule seemed to be invented in the early two thousands to avoid you appearing desperate. And it was supposed to create suspense. Um, but. We’re in the era of instant messaging and we all have pretty damn short attention spans. So waiting three days, days to text is actually [00:10:00] very counter.
Productive. And the reason it’s harmful is because people are busy these days and momentum matters when you’ve had a good date. So if you wait three days, it actually makes you forgettable or it makes you seem kind of flaky and worse, it can turn something that was really natural into a strategy and women can feel that energy.
So if you had a great conversation with a beautiful woman at a networking event or a party. You exchange numbers, but you follow this outdated rule and you go dark for three days. Well, this woman is just gonna assume that you weren’t into her and she’s gonna lose interest because every single person is walking around with one of these.
And if you don’t have 30 seconds to send her a quick note in three days, she’s gonna think that you just aren’t that into her. And this is a thing, right? You go on a first fun date and you think, okay, well I’m gonna wait these three days now after date number one, because I don’t wanna seem needy.
Meanwhile, this [00:11:00] woman had a really great time. She was anticipating waiting to hear from you and never did for three days. And so she changed her feelings about you, uh, because she was also fearing a reject rejection too. So by this time, she’s trying to distance herself because she feels there’s a perceived hurt coming.
And th this is why waiting three days to text. Is kind of crap advice. Um, it’s too much time and very, in fact, counterproductive. Now, obviously, timely communication is important and it shows emotional maturity. So if you are into a woman and you had a great date, um, you don’t need to text her four more times that evening and then straight away the next morning because again, you get into the smother territory.
But if you’re into a woman, you think she’s beautiful, you had a fantastic connection. Say it. If you had a good time, let a woman know that is attractive. That’s self-awareness and confidence to say, I had a good time. There was a great feeling here. I know that I can let you know [00:12:00] this. I don’t need to be booking the next date immediately or texting you four times the next morning.
And I certainly don’t need to just disappear into the ether for three days. I am a mature man that can have timely communication without needing or having anxiety. That the next date or next thing needs to be locked down immediately. There can be this little bit of, um, mystery that happens with timely messaging.
And this is the sweet spot, guys, not going dark for three days or smothering a woman. I. Which leads me into myth number four, that you guys need to be the alpha man. Oh my God. This Alpha Man concept comes from outdated animal dominance theories, and it actually then just got quickly scooped up and hijacked by this red pill influencer community and other dating coaches that promote control.
Over connection. You wanna go learn how to control women? This channel is not for you. [00:13:00] You wanna learn how to connect genuinely, genuinely with women so you can have a loving, intimate, deep, satisfying relationship. Then this channel is for you. Now, why is it harmful to be the alpha guy? Right? Well, this alpha mindset is often leading to a lot of rigidity in dating.
It leads to obviously emotional unavailability, and it’s all about dominance based behavior. And yeah, women want men to be natural leaders, but they don’t want you to be a tyrant, right? This is not about control. They want your presence. They want to know that you trust yourself to make decisions, not that you’re posturing, right?
So if you’re thinking, okay, well I, I wanna be a man that is more of a leader. Okay. And you think that being a leader means that you have to make all the plans, talk over her, avoid any vulnerability because you think being soft is being weak. [00:14:00] Um, then a woman is gonna feel steamrolled not pursued by you.
She’s gonna go like, this guy has no capacity to have any of my influence or thoughts or feelings here, and I’m not gonna feel quartered by this man at all. And here, second example is, okay, you think that. This is my last video where I talked about how stoicism might actually be, or your definition of stoicism might be self-sabotaging relationships.
If you think, okay, I gotta be alpha, which means I need to be really stoic ’cause this makes me manly and I need to perform manliness because I’m just not comfortable in my existing masculinity. Then you might be avoiding eye contact with women, or you’re minimizing your emotions, or you’re like, really like holding this frame like you are at war, right?
Then this woman is gonna walk away because there’s no relational energy. And the truth here, guys, is that true, mature masculine energy. Is rooted, it’s [00:15:00] open, it’s relational. It is leadership that has a calm strength. It is not about control or fear-based dominance that is tyrannical. That is not true leadership.
And the last myth that so many of us have heard is that these nice boys, these nice men, these nice guys always finish last. And this is a myth that comes from the frustration of men who have felt overlooked for many, many years, and often nice guys have. It has nothing to do with niceness or kindness.
The reason this phrase nice guys finish last has become so popularized is, well, it sounds nice and it has a nice rhythm, rhyme and rhythm to it, but it really should say. Men with no backbone and men that are people pleases and, and men that don’t understand [00:16:00] themselves finish last. That’s what it should say, because if you’re bending over backwards to be agreeable in every situation with a woman, and you don’t understand how to express your own desires or to take on initiative in a healthy leadership way, or to show boundaries when a woman has actually infringed on your boundaries, then.
You’re not going to pursue great connections with women because she isn’t going to trust you because you clearly don’t trust yourself if you’re just bending your values at any moment to try and win the affection of a woman, and this is harmful because Nice guys, finish last has been so misconstrued that men think that kindness is a weakness.
When the real issue is actually passivity and poor communication. Now women do not reject kindness, but we reject [00:17:00] inauthenticity and ambiguity. So if you’re the pleaser and you say, yeah, maybe you’re in your past relationship, maybe part of the reason why. Your last marriage didn’t work out is because you actually did say yes to everything.
And so you’re thinking, well, how could she not be happy with me when I always was accommodating her, but you never challenged her and you avoided expressing your needs, and then she just didn’t really feel connected to you anymore because, well, you weren’t really, you, you were just whoever you felt you needed to be to keep her around.
And that’s not, that’s not true connection. This woman never got to feel your depth or confidence if in fact you behave that way. And so if you say yes to everything, you’re incredibly accommodating to any woman at any time in the dating process. Well, what’s what’s there for her to trust and really connect to?
And this kind of manifests as well. This is another practical example, guys, where you get secretly resentful. So maybe you’re holding doors for women. ’cause that’s a nice gentlemanly [00:18:00] thing to do, and you’re paying for dinners for women because that’s a nice gentlemanly thing to do, and you expect connection in return because you think, well, if I’m doing all these gentlemanly things, then I’m gonna get what I want.
But that’s tit for tat. And if a woman doesn’t reciprocate, then guess what you’re feeling used. But you never really told her what you actually wanted or what you actually needed. So. Women want men with direction. They don’t want doormats. They want clear and grounded and self-respecting men, which means you understand your own boundaries.
You’re not afraid to tell a woman no. You’re not afraid to tell a woman that what she said or did is disrespectful or hurt your feelings. Women do need micro corrections from great men that have strong values. Because clear, grounded, and self-respecting men do not finish last with women. Those men create real [00:19:00] intimacy.
So these myths are harmful for the reasons I’ve mentioned. And if you saw yourself in any of these myths while you are in fact not alone, because a lot of men and women out there dating have internalized. These a myth, and it really is ruining and sabotaging your chances of a real connection. But here’s the good news.
All of this stuff is unlearnable and relearn, and you don’t need to change who you are, but you may need to unlearn some of the myths. Or what are called self-limiting beliefs that you have and start leading in modern dating with a lot more clarity and self-awareness and grounded presence. And I talk very deeply with my clients about how this specifically can show up for you.
So thank you so much for tuning in. I’d love to hear your comments. Which myth do you believe, or which one has caused the most problems in modern dating? Which myth do you wish you could squash? How do you wanna redefine these [00:20:00] things? And guys, if you are honestly tired of guessing, overthinking, being ghosted by women having poor online dating experiences, you’re not quite sure how to approach women in real life, your social life has been struggling because you know, you’re, you’re dating again after divorce, um, then I would be more than happy to have a conversation with you.
We can get onto a complimentary consultation, um, and we can learn about each other. And, uh, we can find out if coaching is the right modality for you. So guys, stop following that bad advice out there and start showing up as the man who actually builds a real connection that you are looking for, because you probably have so much more wisdom about how to navigate modern dating than you think.
Thanks guys for tuning in and see you all next time.
