In this episode, Kimberly explains how learning about anxious attachment can backfire when it becomes an identity rather than a framework for understanding patterns. She describes common dating scenarios—especially around texting, seeking reassurance, escalating intensity, and pushing for early clarity or exclusivity—where anxiety leads to pressure that collapses attraction and reinforces feared outcomes.
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Kimberly
Okay, I’d like to say something that might surprise you a little bit. Now, I know many of you have in recent years understood anxious attachment or gone on to learn about your attachment style. And what I wanna tell you here is that fact that you have now learned about your attachment style might actually be making your dating life worse.
And it is not because the theory is wrong, it’s because of how you might be using this knowledge. And if you stay with me, I’m gonna show you exactly where this is backfiring or can backfire for you and what you can do instead. So you can have the dating experiences and relationship you truly crave. Now, if you’re new to this channel, welcome aboard.
My name is Kimberly Hill. I’m a dating and relationship coach. For men, I support good-hearted men to attract deeply loving relationships and go on to maintain those loving relationships. And you are welcome to book a [00:01:00] complimentary call to see if coaching is the right modality for you. If you would like to work with someone like myself, and if you think that this could be helpful to have some guidance as you navigate.
Modern dating and attracting the woman that you desire. Now, what I want to talk about here is you might have recently discovered attachment theory and perhaps you’ve then read about anxious attachment, and suddenly for you, everything starts to make sense. You’re going, wow, I feel so very validated By understanding attachment theory, I’m recognizing why I overthink multiple situations.
Now understand why silence can feel so heavy for me. I understand why in prior relationships when my partner were shut would just shut down a little bit or leave the house. Why? I felt like this was very threatening for our relationship. And so in a way you feel this sense of relief. You are going, wow, there’s finally some language out there for my experience.
But [00:02:00] then something subtle happens. You stop understanding attachment theory. And you start identifying with it, and that is where it becomes a double-edged sword. Now, why does this even matter? Because the moment you say, I am just anxiously attached, your brain hears this is who I am, and your identity is what is going to drive.
Your behavior and your choices. So instead of building security, you start rehearsing. Your anxiety, and I wanna show you how this plays out. So a very common scenario is the anxiety that comes with this form of communication. Texting, texting on a dating app, texting, leading up to a date, texting after [00:03:00] you’ve had a date.
And so a common scenario is a guy goes out on a date with a woman, he has a good time, feels like there’s a good connection. And he goes home and he starts to think, well, should I text her tonight or text her tomorrow? And he overthinks it so much that he puts his phone down. And then first thing he does is when he gets up in the morning, he texts her and now he’s checking his phone constantly and you know, he gets to work and it’s lunchtime and he’s thinking to himself, wow, she hasn’t replied.
And it’s been six hours. And so your nervous is. System activates and your mind starts to actually scan for threat. And instead of regulating your emotions, you begin thinking, well, I’m anxious. This is just what happens to anxiously attached people. And so you send her another quick message and then you’re not really sure you like how that message lands, so you kind of preface it a little bit underneath with a quick little paragraph explaining how you feel and you tell yourself, you’re just being emotionally honest, but.
The woman that is getting these messaging [00:04:00] messages from you is going, whoa, this is, this is a lot of pressure. She can’t articulate this, but her nervous system is sinking. Oh, I’m not really just meeting the experience of getting to know this man. I’m now feeling like I need to manage his emotions. And so what happens is this pressure collapses the attraction that you may have had with this woman, and you’ve now just reinforced the very outcome you were afraid of.
And it goes on to be even more subtle than that. You might tell yourself because you’ve recognized that you’re an anxiously attached person, that logically your mind goes, well, since I’m anxiously attached, I need to find a securely attached woman. And on the surface I get it. It makes a lot of sense, and it sounds very healthy, in fact, but underneath it, it quietly becomes unrealistic expectations.
You start to think, well, I have to find a woman who regulates me. I have to find a [00:05:00] woman who can reassure my anxieties. Um, I have to find a woman who is not gonna trigger my anxious attachment, and that is not realistic, and that is not a partnership that is continuing to outsource your emotional regulation.
And a secure woman is not. Meant to stabilize your nervous system for you. Security is not something you can find in a woman. It is something that you need to. Practice. So what happens is anxious attachment has now become your identity and you’ll interpret neutrality with new women as rejection.
Immediately, you’ll escalate things early because you think that you need to keep the pace going at an intense level. You’ll seek reassurance instead of looking inwards to trust yourself. You’ll move very fast because moving quickly. We’ll relieve the discomfort in the spaces in between [00:06:00] communication or dates, and so your anxiety is trying to speed up this connection.
But it works counterintuitively because. Security is what allows connection to breathe and attraction needs time and space and mystery and oxygen. So I wanna give you another sentence to think about for pattern interruption. You are not an anxious person. You’re a person who has an attachment system that activates under conditions of uncertainty.
And that is a very different way to look at it. One is associating anxiety with your identity, and one is recognizing a pattern in your stress response. And when you recognize it’s a pattern in your stress response, you give yourself permission to say, this is a part of me that can be. Retrained. Now, here’s another [00:07:00] situation where you might see this unfolding.
You go on three great dates with a woman. You feel really excited, you feel hopeful, and instead of pacing yourself, you think this is just my anxious attachment talking. So instead of slowing things down, you confess really strong feelings towards her because you need her to know. You need her to know where you stand.
But it’s really that you need her to know where you stand so you can know where she’s. Stands with you. And then so you’re pushing for clarity because the unknown of where this is going is too, um, taxing for you. And then you also want exclusivity very early because you think that if we are exclusive, then I have a secure relationship and I can relax now.
And it’s not because any of this is love, it’s because uncertainty feels very intolerable for you and security. Is actually built by you learning to tolerate uncertainty. So attachment theory, which you would have learned about originally [00:08:00] developed by John Bowlby, and of course expanded by Mary Ainsworth, explains the bonding tendencies.
It doesn’t define your ceiling or your capabilities, it’s explaining your patterns and it’s not there so that you can lock it in as an identity. Now many men have commented, or I read a comment on one of my last videos that how powerful is just having this awareness. Well, it is a darn good first step, right?
Awareness is very powerful, but it’s your behavior that actually is going to create the change. So how can you build security instead of going on and rehearsing this anxiety? Three steps for you to to consider today. They’re simple, but they’re not easy. The first is to separate your identity from activation itself.
So instead of you repeating and rehearsing to yourself that you’re an anxiously attached person, you can [00:09:00] say, whoa, my, uh, my attachment system is activated. This creates some space between you and this anxiety and having that space is very powerful. The second guys is that anxiety demands immediate answers.
It demands movement, whereas security allows for pause. So when you feel a sense of urgency to text her to know where things are going to lock in the second date before the first one ends. I really want you to take a moment and wait before you act on that. So if it’s sending a text, wait before you send the text, maybe, maybe it’s 24 hours and it’s not because this is a tactic to create.
Distance or fab, fabricate it so that she misses you. It’s to allow yourself to regulate. Go move your body, regulate and do some deep breathing, or just do nothing for 30 minutes if that’s what um, you need to do in order to calm yourself down. And what you’re doing [00:10:00] is you’re ultimately teaching your nervous system that discomfort doesn’t mean I need to act impulsively or that discomfort.
Isn’t equal to severe danger. I can be uncomfortable and still exist. I can be uncomfortable and still make good decisions. I can feel a little anxious ’cause my, um, active, my attachment system is activating and I can still go do something positive for myself. So step three is rehearsing secure behavior.
And that means you can. Express interest to a woman without overinvesting or futurizing where things are going. You can allow space without needing to have answers or be chasing all the time. You can let women, um, choose without trying to control or convince of the outcome. And you can learn to stay steady when things feel uncertain, um, because security.
Is found in the repetition of [00:11:00] those new behaviors, not just the personality you were born with. And so understanding your attachment system is really powerful, but if you turn that into a new identity. It can keep you stuck. You over affirm that you’re an anxious person and then you’ll keep proving it because our minds, we love to live in accordance with our belief system.
So if we believe our, we believe we’re anxious, we want to act in accordance with that. Even if the other party of your mind is going, why am I doing all of this? So you need to stop. Reaffirming you’re anxious, um, and start affirming that you are capable of secure responses. I’m capable of secure responses, and slowly you will notice, slowly you will notice your behavior aligns with this identity.
You don’t become secure by finding somebody secure or calm. You become secure by becoming steady [00:12:00] within yourself and when you can understand your patterns. But refuse to build your identity around your patterns. That guys is when your dating life will change. Now, I would love to hear your thoughts on this because very commonly the men I work with are associating themselves with anxiously attached individuals, and we have to do some deprogramming of that mindset.
In order to teach them that they are in fact capable of making better decisions in dating. So I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments below. Was this an episode that resonated with you? What have been your experiences of understanding and learning attachment theory? Um, and of course it’s been a pleasure and look forward to another episode next week.
Thanks guys.
