In this episode, I’ll be sharing the critical moment many men face when they realize they miss the way a woman made them feel about themselves, rather than missing the woman herself. This deeper dive explores the difference between seeking validation and forming genuine connections. I discuss how external validation can often replace true connection, leading to relationships based on temporary feelings rather than lasting compatibility. Learn about the signals of seeking validation, the impact on your dating life, and how to seek genuine, healthy relationships.
P.S. If you’re a man navigating dating after divorce, don’t go it alone. My free masterclass was made for you—learn how to rebuild confidence, attract the right women, and avoid common post-divorce mistakes. Watch it here.
Ready for tailored support? Book your 1:1 dating strategy call with me here and let’s map out your next steps.
See you next week,
Kimberly
There is a moment almost every single man has had at least once in his dating life. It’s usually a quiet moment. It’s an uncomfortable moment, and maybe that moment is also a little bit humbling. It’s that moment when you realize, I don’t actually miss her. I don’t actually miss the woman that I was just dating.
I miss how she made me feel. About me. There’s a big difference here, and once that thought lands, you can’t really unsee it. Now what I’m talking about here is that most men believe they are dating because they want a connection, a relationship, a partnership, something very genuine, very real. And often that is what you want.
That is what men want. But there is another motivation that can quietly take over, [00:01:00] especially after dating, um, for some time or dating after a divorce, especially after a rejection or even long stretches of being alone. And that is validation. And it’s not in a shallow way, but it’s in a very human way.
It’s the kind of validation that asks. Am I still desirable to women? Do I still matter? Can somebody really choose me for who I am at this stage in my life? And I wanna say this very clearly, wanting validation does not make you weak. It makes you human. And in fact, enjoying validation is not the problem itself.
The shift happens when validation stops being a byproduct of dating and starts becoming the reason you’re [00:02:00] staying now. That is the line that most men and I would wager most women were never taught to see. Now, welcome to my channel. My name is Kimberly Hill. I’m a men’s. Dating and relationship coach. I support good-hearted men to attract and keep deeply loving relationships.
And I do that through private one-on-one coaching. Uh, I have a couple of little different courses that you guys can check out. Um, an audio masterclass on 10 tips and tricks for talking and texting with women. It’s a quick, easy hour. Listen, that will give you some confidence in how to interact with women.
I also have a mini course called the Dating Profile Blueprint. If you feel like you’re ready to actually just set a profile up and get out there, those are two options for you that you can consume at your own pace and and get on with things. And then there’s also my deeper one-on-one private coaching that are reserved for men who genuinely.
Want to dive in and understand themselves and get some support and guidance while they navigate dating simply so they can build that internal [00:03:00] confidence, connect with the right types of women, and build the skills, um, to go into those relationships and make them deeply loving and passionate and long term ultimately.
So if you’re interested in pursuing that, you’re welcome to book a complimentary call or go check out the links to these other, uh, courses. Um, otherwise we’re gonna get into how validation disguises itself as connection. And here’s the tricky part. Validation feels a lot like connection in the beginning, right?
Because you’ll meet a woman and maybe you’ll be texting constantly or she’s laughing at your jokes and she wants you and you’re think. Wow, this feels so different. Meanwhile, your nervous system is actually doing parkour, right? If you don’t know what portco is, it means it’s just jumping around all over the place, and so you’re checking your phone like your phone owes you money, or you’re rereading texts that she sent you, like they are legal documents, and you’re saying to yourself, wow, I’m just really into this woman.[00:04:00]
Well, no, you’re really into how wanted you feel by this woman. That’s an important distinction. Yeah. Now something subtle happens, this woman pulls back a little bit, or the texts slow down a little bit, or the energy just ultimately shifts between you. And then here’s the moment that a lot of people miss.
Instead of asking yourself, you know, am I enjoying who this person is? You find yourself asking, what did I do wrong? So you reassure her, you overexplain things to her and you try and get back to that feeling you had in the very beginning. And it’s not because you actually miss her presence, but because you miss the feeling of being chosen by somebody.
And that is a real time signal worth noticing. In fact, it’s something I wish I had known when I was younger and dating because I would chase [00:05:00] opportunities because of how they made me feel in the beginning, not because of who the person was and whether or not we actually aligned. Now, this realization usually comes later.
And sometimes it will come, um, after sex that still feels oddly empty to you. Or sometimes when the reassurance stops working, or sometimes when you notice that you simply feel better when she texts you than when you’re actually with her. Right. You might notice you feel better when you get a text than when you’re actually with this person and when that hits, when you step away from your own experience to observe your own experience, you recognize that you’re chasing a feeling, not the actual person.
And that realization can sting if you’re having that realization and going. Shit, I wish I had known this before. I pursued the first relationship after my divorce so [00:06:00] hard. I recognized I was chasing the feeling, not the actual person. And I might have quote, however you wanted to define the word wasted or maybe incorrectly used my time with this woman, or maybe wasted time in the wrong relationship.
That’s a hard thing to recognize, but it’s also the beginning of a lot of clarity. Now, I wanna slow this down for a little minute because. Okay. Choosing connection over simply just choosing validation does not mean you’re choosing a relationship that has absolutely no friction, right? Healthy relationships still have disagreements.
They still have tensions, they still have emotional conversations, they still have moments of frustration. Calm. Choosing a calm woman or choosing a woman because you enjoy who she is, doesn’t mean you’re choosing a relationship that is conflict free, right? Calm means that when conflict [00:07:00] does show up, it doesn’t hijack your nervous system and go down the runway and calm.
Also guys doesn’t mean it’s passionless. It means you have desire without fear. You have attraction without unnecessary anxiety, and you have chemistry that doesn’t require your relationship to be chaotic all the time. In order for it to stay alive, that distinction matters. Now, most men won’t see this early because nobody has taught anyone the difference.
We’re taught that chemistry is a good thing. That intensity means depth. That desire equals compatibility, and nobody says, by the way. Anxiety can feel a lot like attraction, and that lesson usually arrives after some damage. I know it did for me and I know it does for most of the clients that I work with.
[00:08:00] Now, here’s a way that you can have your own litmus test to tell the difference, right? Validation feels like relief. Validation feels like excitement. Validation feels like nervous, anticipation and validation feels like needing more. Whereas connection feels like ease. It feels like safety. It feels like curiosity.
It feels like it. Expansion and validation is screaming at you, please don’t leave. Right? Whereas connection is saying, I enjoy who you are, even when things aren’t perfect. Yeah. One is very, very activating and the other one is very grounding. And why this matters is because if you are inadvertently dating for validation, right?
You’ve had a hard go, you’ve had a rough divorce, you haven’t had physical intimacy in a long time, you [00:09:00] will, right? You, I would, if I’m a betting woman and I’m a betting woman, I would, I would put. I had put my business on this. You’ll often ignore early signs of misalignment. You will probably stay longer in a relationship than you should.
You’ll likely confuse anxiety with depth thinking, wow, these feelings are so large. That must mean something. And you might also feel exhausted and not really know how to explain why. And later you might say something like, I don’t know why I stayed so long. I don’t know why I stayed so invested. Now I’m seeing.
Why that was happening and when I really should have left. You get this clarity. In hindsight, I’m trying to give you that clarity preemptively. Now, this shift is not about changing all of your behaviors [00:10:00] overnight. It is, however, about noticing things, right? When you are a self-aware individual, you notice things.
You notice how you feel in your body after you go on dates with women. You know, and notice who settles your nervous system down versus gets it going. You know, who keeps you preoccupied, um, when they’re not around, right? You know, who brings clarity? And who’s bringing confusion. And that awareness alone will start changing how you make choices in dating.
And oftentimes it’s a realization you have after the fact. But it is possible to notice this things, these things as you move through your experiences. So here is a question to leave you with, to have you sit with when you think of. The women that you have been the [00:11:00] most attached to, were you drawn to who she was or were you drawn to how she made you feel about yourself?
No judgment, no shame. Just honesty, because that honesty, not perfection is where healthier, more connected relationships actually. Begin now. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on today’s video. Is this something you have now recognized within yourself? Have you ever been able to look back on yourself?
And I’m talking, you know who I’m talking to. I’m talking to the men who have dated after divorce and I’m talking to the men who. Not long after getting divorced, went into a new relationship and went into that new relationship with intensity, with ferocity, and they, and you guys, I know you would’ve said to yourself, you would’ve said, this woman is nothing like my ex.
In fact, she’s the opposite. And so you would’ve dove into that relationship because, holy shit, does it [00:12:00] ever feel good? You were chasing the validation and trying to get the recognization from the world that you still have it. Well, you do still have it. You didn’t need her to prove that to you. And what happens is you guys burn the oil real hot real quick.
So I see this pattern a lot where men that are dating, again after divorce, probably a little bit too quickly, go head over heels into new relationships for those to then blow up because you haven’t had a moment to really assess who you are, what you want. You haven’t really assessed who that woman is.
You were chasing the feeling. That’s a human thing to do. That’s why you’re not the only one that’s done it. It’s why It’s a huge, huge pattern that I see. But what I want you guys to think about is if you’re wanting to cultivate a long-term healthy relationship, one that keeps you grounded and brings you a sense of calm and joy, um, you have to really notice these things as you go along and assess who the poor person is, not just how you feeling in the early [00:13:00] days.
So I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments, guys, of you. Rushed into a relationship post a breakup, only realizing it wasn’t ultimately for you and you were ignoring red signs, or did it work out for you? I, I would love to hear those stories as well. And of course, share this video with someone that maybe needs this reminder today.
Thanks guys. Look forward to tuning into another one next week for you. Chow.
