In this episode, I’ll be sharing a new perspective on attraction and dating. Most men approach dating with the idea that they need to perform or say the right things to attract women. However, this can create stress and disconnection. Instead, it’s about understanding how sexual desire truly works and letting attraction naturally emerge without the pressure of performance. I’ll dive into why being present and relaxed is more effective than any tactic, and how genuine connection forms when you stop trying to manage the outcome.
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See you next week,
Kimberly
Many men out there dating will approach attraction, believing that it has everything to do with doing the right things. Saying the right things to women and understanding women so well that you can avoid any mistakes. And a lot of that makes sense, but that is how most men have been taught to approach dating and how to approach women on the components of sexual desire.
But what I wanna offer you today is a completely different way of looking at sexual desire. And it’s a way of looking at it that doesn’t require you to perform. It doesn’t require some. Insane strategy and it certainly does not require you to try and manage the outcome, all of which can lead to a lot of stress in the moment, and in fact, a lot of disconnection with women, which is maybe some of what you haven’t been experiencing and feeling.
Now, the perspective I wanna share with you tends to change how a lot of men show up almost immediately. Interactions with women will feel a lot [00:01:00] lighter. They’ll feel more playful. Um, they’ll feel more sexually charged. And at the end of the day, it’s gonna be a lot more enjoyable for both people. Now, when you understand what actually allows sexual desire with women to emerge, dating will stop feeling like something you have to always, you know, air quote, get right.
Um, ’cause that’s really overwhelming when you think you have to behave or act a certain way, you become very robotic. And so what happens is you’re not gonna try to impress women or convince ’em. You’re not gonna be monitoring yourself during all of these interactions, and you’re not gonna be scanning women for all of these different signs.
Um, instead you’re gonna be very present. And what this means is when you’re in your own body and your own experience, it’s gonna do so much more. For attraction than any tactic ever could for you. So this isn’t about learning what women want so that you can ultimately adapt yourself to it. It’s about understanding how attraction works [00:02:00] at a deeper level so you can relax into interactions and let that chemistry with women develop naturally, which is where it.
To exist. Now, before I dive into this more thoroughly in this video, welcome to this channel. My name is Kimberly Hill, my men’s dating and relationship coach. I support good hearted men to enjoy the dating experience, to attract wonderful partnerships, and to go on and enjoy those partnerships to have.
Great emotional connectivity, lots of playfulness, lots of fun, lots of desire, and all the things that create the recipe for sustainable, healthy, loving, long-term relationships that will add years to your life, arguably, because bad relationships will take years away from you. Now, if you’re interested in doing some one-on-one coaching, you’re a welcome to.
Book a complimentary call with myself. We’ll see if we’re the right fit to work together. I’ll talk about the different options that I do have for supporting you. If it’s not the right fit, there might be other avenues I can direct you in. And at the end of the day, if none of those things are suitable for you, you might have just.
Walked [00:03:00] away learning something on that call. Now, throughout this video, I am gonna be walking you through how sexual desire forms from a woman’s perspective. Now, it’s not in terms of techniques, but in terms of experience. And when you begin to understand this more clearly, a lot of confusion around dating will simply dissipate or disappear for you because you’re gonna start noticing why some interactions.
Feel really flat. And you know, even when you think arguably things look good on paper and you’re gonna understand why other interactions feel more charged and more effortless and alive without much even being said at all, and the difference isn’t accidental now, instead of asking, you know, what should I be doing differently?
The better question becomes what allows a woman to feel relaxed, to feel open, and to feel drawn in my presence? And that is where sexual desire actually begins, because desire is a [00:04:00] byproduct, not a goal. Now, one of the biggest misunderstandings men have about attraction, or just people in general have about attraction is believing that.
Desire is the objective. So you’ll approach women hoping for chemistry, trying to feel chosen, scanning for signs to see if things are appropriate so you can adjust your behavior or needing the interaction to go in a certain direction. And all of that creates a shit ton of internal pressure that.
Subtly and sometimes not so subtly changes the energy of your interaction, and women will feel that pressure even if you haven’t obviously said something out loud. Because sexual desire, it doesn’t grow in urgency of needing it to grow. It grows. In ease. And that means the more you can let go of needing the interaction with a woman to go [00:05:00] somewhere, to have some kind of objective, the more space there is for attraction to unfold.
Naturally. Now, the truth is before, and and most women don’t even know this either by the way, but before a woman actually even decides how she feels about you, her body has already picked up. On quite a lot. She’s picked up on, and this is happening really, really quickly, right? She’s picking up on your tone.
She’s picking up on your pace. I mean, your pace is speaking and your pace of moving. She’s picking up on how comfortable you are in silence. She’s picking up on whether you are trying to manage the moment with her, which can be felt, and it’s quite obvious, or you’re simply in that moment. With her. Now, two men can say the same words, but one feels settled and present, and the other feels [00:06:00] tense and self-conscious.
Now her body is responding immediately to that difference and naturally you’re, you’re gonna know which one she’s gonna gravitate towards because attraction begins firstly as a nervous system response, not just a mental evaluation. So, um, what happens is a lot of men accidentally interrupt attraction without realizing it.
And this is where attraction will start to fade. And this is happening quickly. This isn’t happening over weeks or months. It’s, it’s happening in, in inter the first interaction you’re happening with women and attraction will fade. And it’s not because you’re not maybe an attractive guy because you’re unknowingly inter.
Fearing with it, right? One of the most common ways that this happens is through, over explaining, uh, clarifying your intentions. Filling all that negative space, [00:07:00] trying to prevent a misunderstanding before it exists. And when I say this, trying to prevent a misunderstanding before it exists. I see this very commonly in men’s online dating profiles where they might be.
Talking about themselves, but then there’s a caveat or some kind of extra explanation just to make sure she doesn’t misunderstand you. And that really interferes with your attraction. And this often is coming from a place of, well, I’m trying to be really thoughtful. Um, and I get that. I really do understand that.
But the effect is that the interaction loses. Its. Charge, it loses the sexual component to it. Because what’s happening is you’re over-explaining things and it’s like, I mean, what’s that saying, right? When somebody tells you a joke and you need to explain the joke, it’s not so funny anymore, is ultimately what I’m saying here.
So the effect is that these interactions, or even the dating profile intention loses its charge. Um, because desire needs space to breathe. Um, you need to give [00:08:00] time for people’s own interpretations. And so when you are comfortable letting moments ultimately land without narrating ’em or managing them, um, you give space for something to ultimately.
Open and what we’re talking about here is emotional openness versus like emotional leakage. Let’s call it leakage, right? So this doesn’t only happen with the words that come outta your mouth, it happens emotionally as well. Now, you know, you know these days if you have a heartbeat, you know that women are saying and demanding from men.
We want emotional access to men. We want men to be more vulnerable. But where this gets really misinterpreted in today’s modern world is that women are not saying they want emotional responsibility for men. They don’t want that. Um, so what happens is if you share too much too soon or you’re actually processing your emotions out loud, um, with a woman, especially in the early [00:09:00] phases of getting to know her, the dynamic shifts right away and she’ll stop feeling met with you.
And what happens is she starts to feel responsible for your emotions. Right. So sexual desire really does struggle to exist when a woman is in a position where she’s feeling she has to manage your emotional state. And so being open doesn’t mean being uncontained. It means being able to hold your own inner experience without needing immediate reassurance.
Okay, so underneath many of these patterns is something very subtle, which is approval seeking, and I have a video where I put out, I believe it was last week on I know validation, and whether you’re really dating for approval or you’re dating for real connection, and of course, approval. Invalidation is a byproduct of it, but it can’t be the end goal.
So what’s [00:10:00] happening is, um, if you’re dating women and you still have this undercurrent of seeking approval, um, it’s not necessarily an obvious insecurity of yours that’s coming out, but this, it’s this quiet need to be liked to be accepted or to be chosen. And energetically what’s happening is you’re actually saying like, is this okay?
And attraction doesn’t go when you’re saying, Hey, is all of this okay? Um, women don’t want to reassure men truthfully, in the early phases of dating. Now you need to have a good woman who can give a man some reassurance throughout the relationship. But early on when we’re talking about building sexual desire, reassurance isn’t what’s gonna get you there.
And so women want to respond to men who are ultimately settled in themselves. And I have a lot of content where I talk about how women are really attracted to men who are in motion, um, and that, you know, that have some aim in life. And I’m noticing the beautiful sun coming in my window here, um, which is [00:11:00] just really enjoyable for me, but also a little hard to look at the camera.
Now what I’m talking about here is. Men that have an essence of being grounded in who they are. They’re not needing to be loud, they’re not needing to be dominant. They’re very just happy in their life. And so they’re not looking for women to say, yes, your life is okay enough for me. They’re already.
Knowing that it’s enough because they are satisfied in their lives. And what happens is because of that, um, you’re not chasing approval and you can actually meet women and create the conditions for that attraction. So a little bit of a situational example. ’cause everyone loves practical, tangible things, right?
And this becomes especially important for men dating later in life, right? Because women in their fifties and sixties are tending to express attraction a lot more subtly than younger women, right? Younger women. There’s also a lot of the novelty of like this being their first time [00:12:00] experiencing sexual desire and attraction.
Whereas women in their fifties and sixties, they’ve come, they have more experience, they have more wisdom. And so what happens is women in their fifties and sixties are often less performative. Um, and they’re not. They’re not overt, right? So in instead, attraction shows up as. Her slowing down the pace of the interaction with you.
Why? Because that’s sexy and maybe she wants more time with you, or she’ll hold eye contact a little longer because, um, that’s a very, um, emotionally connected type thing. It’s a very, um, intimate experience to look in somebody’s eyes. And what happens is women will also kind of linger around at the end of the day, and they do that because while they’re really enjoying the time with you and they’re curious about the possibility.
Um, and of course women will, you know, not, they’re not gonna ne now, some will, they’re not gonna necessarily proposition you. Some will do that. Um, but other women are a little more subtle where they kind of just linger a little bit with physical contact. [00:13:00] And what happens is sometimes men are not trusting the subtlety and you’re not sure.
So you’re trying to, you’re trying to see if you can be sure about it by feeling the space or explaining more or trying to secure this kind of clarity. And in doing that, you step away from, I’m comfortable in my own skin, um, to, I need you, I need to explain and figure this out in the moment. And so sometimes the most attractive thing that a man can do is just.
Be in the experience, stay exactly where you are. So I hope this has landed for some of you to think about sexual attraction in a different way. It’s not something to be obtained. It’s not something to solve in the middle of the date. It’s showing up, being calm with who you are and allowing attraction to present itself through being in that moment versus.
Going into the moment trying to create the conditions for attraction because that [00:14:00] ends up being performative and it ends up being counterintuitive to it. So again, sexual desire is not something you create, it’s something that emerges when you stop interfering. So basically I’m saying do less. In fact, I give you permission to chill out and do less, and when you can be more settled in yourself and more comfortable with uncertainty.
And you’re not always trying to manage how you’re being perceived, um, then you don’t need better techniques. You just need to trust in the moment more. Um, so I know a lot of you guys have felt like dating has been very confusing, especially later in, in life. And I just wanna put the message out there that you’re good, you got this.
You know, most men were never really taught this type of material. And, you know, some men didn’t need to be taught this because look back in the olden days, you got married and. You stayed in that marriage and you didn’t have to go back out and date multiple times in your life, that isn’t necessarily the case nowadays.
So I’m here to help you understand this stuff. Um, I’m here to help provide some clarity around it and, uh, [00:15:00] you are welcome of course to browse through some of the other videos I have where I talk about these types of things and try and create different perspectives that can be really helpful. For, uh, this, this type of content.
And of course, thank you for tuning in and listening to me. Appreciate your valuable time. Love to hear your thoughts and comments about allowing sexual desire to emerge versus trying to cultivate it. That is ultimately what I am saying here today. So thanks guys for tuning in and look forward to another episode next week.
Cia.
