In this video, Kimberly Hill breaks down why women over 40, particularly those who have experienced long-term relationships, divorce, and personal growth, approach dating from a completely different lens than most men expect.
P.S. If you’re a man navigating dating after divorce, don’t go it alone. My free masterclass was made for you—learn how to rebuild confidence, attract the right women, and avoid common post-divorce mistakes. Watch it here.
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See you next week,
Kimberly
Everybody talks about what women say they want from men in dating. They want a tall man, a successful man, a man who’s emotionally available, A good communicator, a funny guy, an ambitious guy. Of course, you have heard this list. Maybe in some ways you’ve tried to become. This list. And then you meet a woman who’s, let’s say, in her mid forties, she’s divorced, she’s raised two kids, she’s built a career, she’s survived some stuff, and you realize pretty quickly she is not operating from that list at all.
So today we’re gonna talk about what women who have actually lived want from men, let’s say women over 40 on the whole women who aren’t figuring. Themselves out anymore. Women who know what exhaustion feels like, women who know what loneliness feels like, who understand what a bad relationship or a marriage that didn’t work out, feels like and are now dating [00:01:00] again with a completely different set of glasses, different lens.
So this is not a tactics video, guys. This is a psychology and biology breakdown. And it’s probably something you’ve never heard before, so stick with me now. Of course. Welcome to this channel. My name is Kimberly Hill and I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. I support good-hearted men to attract deeply loving relationships and go on to maintain those loving relationships.
And I work privately with men on a one-on-one basis. So if you have them watching this channel for a while and you’re thinking. Okay. Maybe it is time to reach out to Kimberly, then of course, you’re welcome to book a complimentary call with me. We’ll have a chat. We’ll see if we’re a fit to work together and to support you in your dating journey so you can find the relationship that is meaningful for you.
Now, let’s get into it. So, most dating advice out there is gonna treat women as a monolith. They’re gonna look at a 24-year-old and a 44-year-old woman. And they’re gonna tell you that they want the same thing and that they’re just in slightly different physical packaging. And I’m here to tell you that is not the truth.
Now, [00:02:00] a woman in her twenties is biologically and psychologically still in acquisitional phase. She’s assessing long-term potential from men. She’s looking at men from the lens of provisioning and maybe genetic fitness and social status. And her brain is quite literally running, you know, evolutionary programs that are optimized around pairing and building, right?
This is just, this is just survival of the fittest, natural selection, Darwinism, right? So a woman over 40, especially one that has already gone through a marriage, already has had children already built her own financial stability, is running a completely different program. She’s not building anymore. This woman is now choosing.
And this distinction guide changes everything about how women are showing up and dating, what women are gonna be drawn to and what is gonna make a woman walk away. [00:03:00] And so if you are, you know, a guy who is. Gone through a divorce and you’re dating again. You’re gonna be dating women that fit this bill. So firstly, let’s talk about the biology in terms of, in terms of what’s actually happening.
And we’re gonna talk about like hormonally and neurologically because this is where. You know, most dating advice and most men just never are gonna look. And the first thing I wanna talk about is estrogen and how it shifts priorities. So as women kind of move through their forties, their estrogen levels naturally begin to decline.
And one of the less discussed effects of a decline in estrogen is that the neurological pull towards things like people pleasing, which estrogen partly drives, starts to quiet down a little bit for women. So. Women who spent their twenties and maybe thirties, like accommodating a lot, maybe softening or overexplaining themselves, often describe getting into their forties as the first time.
They just stopped doing that. [00:04:00] And it’s not that it’s bitterness, it’s actually biology, clearing the path for authenticity and a real relationship. So women in their forties. Um, they’re just not going to be managing your feelings as much, and that’s, I’m not saying this as a warning, it’s actually an invitation for a more honest dynamic between the two of you.
Now what also is happening is a nervous system recalibration. So women who have been through divorce or long difficult marriages, you know, they often have dysregulated nervous systems. And you’re gonna be familiar with this too, because you know, maybe you’ve come out of a relationship where you’ve had years of walking on eggshells.
So much conflict, or maybe you felt like the relationship had emotional neglect. And so same with this woman, what she’s now biologically seeking, even if she can’t quite put her finger on it or name, it is co-regulation. So what she wants now is a calm and grounded present [00:05:00] presence that is gonna help her nervous system to feel safe and relaxed, not in that activated state.
This is why so many women, um, that are dating, uh, in their forties and beyond say, look, I’m just looking for something steady. I just, you know, I only just, I’m interested in a calm relationship, and that’s not them saying, I want a boring relationship, or I’m boring, or I’ve become boring. They’re simply describing a psychological need that years of chaos has made very clear to them.
You probably can resonate a lot with this, and then there’s oxytocin and attachment. So you know, as you know, you may know women are still bonding very deeply through oxytocin, but at later stages in their lives, this bonding is gonna be slower and it’s gonna be more selective. Women that are, you know, dating again after divorce aren’t going to be rushing as quickly into emotional intimacy the same way they might have done at 25 or 26, or 27 or [00:06:00] 28.
And so this oxytocin pathway is now gated by what’s called like felt safety. It’s not just the chemistry that exists between her and a man, it’s that she feels like this is a relationship that could be calm and safe and grounded. So. Attraction naturally might get her to the date or get her to the table, but she’s not gonna really attach to you until she feels genuinely seen and genuinely safe, which is why it’s really important to move, um, usually at a slower pace now.
Let’s talk about the psychological drive between women’s decisions here. Now, naturally, most women that are dating again after a divorce are not afraid of being alone. And this is probably one of the single biggest psychological shifts because a woman in her forties who has. Survived a divorce who has ultimately rebuilt her life and maybe figured out how to [00:07:00] be okay on her own, is not a woman who’s operating from scarcity.
She’s not saying, oh, I need a relationship. Um, so that means she’s only going to stay in a relationship that genuinely adds positivity to her life. If it doesn’t, she’s very likely to leave and she knows she’ll be fine. And so for many men, maybe this feels a little intimidating or a little confusing, but here is the reframe.
It’s not that women are, are becoming harder and harder to please. It’s just that she’s done. With the pretense and the pretending. So that is actually an incredible foundation for building the deep and meaningful relationship that you are craving. And so women are wanting partnership, not projects or projects depending on where in the world you are listening to me now, women who [00:08:00] have spent years in marriages where they feel like.
Maybe they felt like they were doing more mothering than being a desired partner. Um, those women are gonna feel very acutely allergic to a dynamic where they feel like they have to care take again. And so women just don’t, and you don’t wanna do this either, right? You don’t wanna manage a woman, you don’t wanna fix a woman, you don’t wanna carry this relationship emotionally and neither do women.
She is ultimately looking for someone who has done. His own work so that a relationship doesn’t become a second emotional job. It just becomes a loving, happy partnership. And this is where a lot of post men who are post divorce and dating. Might unknowingly miss the mark because you may be bringing some of your unprocessed grief or your avoidance or maybe some of that emotional [00:09:00] unavailability into dating, and you wonder why women aren’t sticking around.
Now women also really want to feel desired versus needed, and this is a very meaningful difference. You know, being needed feels often like an obligation, whereas being desired feels like a choice, and she wants to know that you want her. Specifically not that you’re lonely and she’s available. Um, ’cause she can tell the difference with that.
Um, and of course women are gonna be looking for depth over performance. So she’s, she’s been around the block, I imagine, right? She’s watched enough. Men perform confidence or perform success or perform emotional availability. And so women are less easily impressed by performance. And so what women are more so responding to is that realness.
A man who can be honest about where he is in his life, um, what you’re still figuring out, what truly matters to you. [00:10:00] And vulnerability is not a weakness to a woman who has lived her life. It’s actually evidence that you are self aware enough to know yourself, and that is incredibly attractive. And of course, you know, there’s a misunderstanding that, you know, if you want a peaceful relationship, it means you’re settling for something.
Because we often have associated like romantic love with highs and lows. And this one’s really important to say directly because many women over 40 will tell you that they, they just simply want a peaceful relationship. And the younger dating culture are gonna say that, well, that’s low standards, or like, that’s giving up on passion and that’s not correct.
What women are truly meaning is that they want a relationship that doesn’t cost them their mental health. Neither do you guys. Right? And so, you know, you’ve probably both come through experiences where maybe early passion also came with chaos and drama and emotional [00:11:00] destruction. And both of you, I imagine, especially women, because this is what this video is framed to talk about, is that, you know, women would rather have something that’s quieter.
And that’s actually good then something that is defined by highs and lows and what maybe the younger dating culture considers passion. So peace is the preference of someone who knows what the alternative costs. Now what does this mean for you guys? So if you are a man who is dating after divorce and you are trying to understand what the hell do women want and why does dating feel different at this stage?
Oftentimes it’s because the framework and the lens that you might have used to date when you pre, previous to meeting your first wife in your twenties has really shifted by the time you get back out into the dating world today. And you have to remember that the women you are meeting have lived too, and I know you guys know this, right?
They’re not gonna be bowl over by a job title or stick around if you’re emotionally checked out. They’re not gonna wait indefinitely for you to figure out what [00:12:00] you want. But here is the good news, right? You don’t have to be perfect, right? I say this over and over. You don’t have to be perfect. There is no perfect.
You have to be real. So a woman who has done her work is deeply attracted to a man who has done his, and she wants a man who knows himself, who moves with intention. Who can be present in the moment and isn’t still running from the pain of what ended previously, whether that was a divorce or even the loss of a partner.
And so it’s not a high bar. That is just the work. And if you haven’t done it yet. Um, well that is everything that this channel is about. So welcome. Now, if this video landed for you, it was just a different kind of healthier perspective to see things from, please feel free to subscribe to this channel.
You know, I don’t say that often, but if you enjoy this content. I’d love for you to stick around. And of course, each week I’m trying to talk about subjects that go deep into the truth of what actually changes your dating experiences. Um, [00:13:00] not just, and, you know, most of the times I’m never talking about what the internet is telling you, learning some new dating lingo that’s gonna come and go, or this fat, or that fat.
It’s like this is the, the meat and potatoes of what’s actually gonna get you into a loving relationship. So if you are ready to start figuring this out, stop figuring this out alone. Um, of course I would love to connect and you’re welcome to book a complimentary call with me using the link below. We’ll talk about, uh, whether working together privately makes sense for where you are right now.
And, um, if not, I’d love to hear your comments and thoughts below, guys, and of course, see you next week. Ciao.
