In today’s video, I’m unpacking The Boy Crisis by Dr. Warren Farrell — and more importantly, how it’s impacting modern dating and relationships for good-hearted men like you. So many men are quietly struggling with fatherlessness, lack of healthy role models, confusion about masculinity, and a loss of purpose. These challenges show up in dating as over-investing, pedestalizing women, struggling to lead confidently, and feeling discouraged when good women pull away. I’ll share the key lessons Farrell outlines and along the way, I’ll also share real client stories and strategies that will help you break free from old patterns and step into the type of man women truly want to connect with.
P.S. If you’re a man navigating dating after divorce, don’t go it alone. My free masterclass was made for you—learn how to rebuild confidence, attract the right women, and avoid common post-divorce mistakes. Watch it here.
Ready for tailored support? Book your 1:1 dating strategy call with me here and let’s map out your next steps.
See you next week,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
There’s very much a crisis happening right now that you guys are feeling. Most men are feeling this. If you look around at relationships, modern dating today’s culture, you probably know something’s different, but maybe you don’t necessarily have the words for it. And today I wanna share. How this thing is impacting dating culture and more importantly, what you can do as a good hearted man to learn from this thing, to become stronger, to become more attractive, and ultimately so that you can feel more fulfilled in your relationships.
And what I’m referring to is what’s called The Boy Crisis. And this is, um, a book that Dr. Warren Farrell wrote. And it is shaping the way that men like yourself see yourselves. Um, it’s shaping the way men view relationships, and of course. How men view dating. Now, before I [00:01:00] talk all about this, you might be wondering, well, who, who the heck is Dr.
Warren Farrell? And he, uh, he started his career, um, believe it or not, on the board of the National Organization for women in the seventies. And at first he was an individual that was advocating strongly for women. But over time he recognized that boys and men were quietly slipping into a crisis, and so he shifted his work to studying men’s issues and he’s become one of the most respected voices on gender and relationships.
His book The Boy Crisis, which I highly recommend picking up. If you want, um, this is what I’m gonna be talking about today. Um, it explains how boys are struggling with fatherlessness and struggling with lack of healthy role models and struggling with confusion [00:02:00] about masculinity and struggling with a loss of purpose.
And it’s not just boys, it’s men like yourself that might be tuning in and watching this video. And this research that he has done is helping us understand not only society at large, you can see, right? If you have an Instagram feed, you can see the polarization of thought. Women that are saying, we don’t need men.
Men that are saying we don’t need women. Um, well, I disagree with that. I think we definitely need each other. And so the research that I’m gonna be sharing, uh, that Dr. Uh Ferrell did and, uh, put into his book The Boy Crisis, um, helps you understand, um, how these challenges are rippling into modern dating now, how the boy crisis shows up.
For men in dating today, well, many men have grown up without clear role models of healthy masculinity or in fatherless homes, and I want [00:03:00] you to just think for a second about your own experience, whether your father was present. Or wasn’t present. Um, if he worked really hard outside of the home and you never really had much time with him, was he emotionally unavailable?
Did you even grow up with a father? Were you raised primarily by your mother? Um, you can think to your own personal situation or maybe the situation of other men that you know, or maybe your own son and your involvement in your son’s life. And so the result is. Men who have grown up without clear models of healthy masculinity as a result of maybe your father being absent, is the type of men who put women on pedestals.
Men that wait to be chosen by women. And these types of men struggle to set and enforce boundaries. They struggle to lead confidently in dating, and many men such as this, do hope that women will give them purpose. Instead of actually creating it [00:04:00] themselves. And in dating, this often looks like rushing into a relationship with a woman.
It looks like overinvesting in the wrong women, and it looks like tolerating disrespect out of a greater fear of being alone. And women will sense this, by the way, good women. ’cause what I’m talking about here is good women, women that want relationships with men, that value men, that love men. Not just what men can provide them financially, different type of woman.
So good women will sense this and they will pull away from this and this cycle. Um, women that sense this and then pull away from this, this cycle leaves a lot of men feeling very discouraged, believing or reinforcing in their minds that they are simply. Not good enough that maybe they need to do more for women.
They need to find more purpose in that relationship or various other trains of thoughts. And so the lessons that good hearted men can learn is what I’m gonna unpack today in more [00:05:00] depth as a result of the book The Boy Crisis. Now, I know I’ve, I’ve done a, a fair, big intro and shared some interesting points here.
If you’re new to this channel, welcome aboard. My name is Kimberly. I talk all things life, dating and relationship. Um, I am a coach that supports good hearted men to attract and get into deeply loving relationships. Um, this isn’t pick up artistry. This isn’t about getting another notch in your belt. This is about helping.
People find their way to true connectivity within themselves and within relationships. Something I am working on and have been working on and will work on for the rest of my life as well. Okay, so the first lesson that I wanna share based on the book, the Boy Crisis, is that men in particular need to build purpose before their partnerships and.
You probably can understand why that’s important and feral emphasizes that many men are lacking direction because of these absent role models or father figures. And without having a particular [00:06:00] purpose in one’s life, you naturally lean on women to give you meaning. And so I’ve worked with many men dating again post-divorce, and I, I worked with a man in particular who said.
Uh, not in these exact words, but to the effect of dating is the only thing that actually gives me purpose and makes me feel alive. And, uh, that hurt my heart. When I heard him say that, and I, I understood that every date that he would go on felt very, very heavy because unconsciously, um, he was asking women to fill his emptiness and those women would disappear, not because he’s a bad guy, because the pressure was far too much.
But contrast this with another client, um, who also felt very lost after divorce, but instead of just chasing women or fighting purpose, in that he rebuilt his life, he joined a hiking group, he started to take a cooking class, and he was volunteering in his local community. You don’t have to do those, do those exact [00:07:00] three things.
But the point was he involved himself and gave himself a greater, um, sense of connectivity and greater purpose. And women leaned in because he wasn’t asking women to save him. Um, and, you know, he wasn’t asking women to do anything. He was just living his life and not attracted women to him. And when he did decide that he wanted to start dating intentionally, not reactively, um, he gave me some feedback that a woman said to him that she really loved how full his life is.
Um, and it makes her want to be part of it, which is why I have in many of my former videos when I talk about a dating profile in particular, say that when women read a man’s profile, she is not looking for a list of impressive qualifications. Or a list of things that you’ve achieved in your life. She’s asking herself, do I wanna be part of this life?
Am I attracted Yes, of course, to this photo, right? But do I [00:08:00] wanna be part of this life? Because women do not want to complete you. I do not wanna complete my partner. I really don’t. I want to join him in the life that we’re creating. I wanna join him, um, in the motion he’s already in, in his life. And I’ve said this in previous videos.
I will, you know, women wanna join men that ultimately are in motion. So lesson one is to build your purpose. Guys, before your partnership, and I’ve said this in many various different ways, through, um, various different videos, do something that lights you up that brings you joy and satisfaction so that you’re not hyper focusing on what a woman is doing or not doing.
Okay? Lesson two is healing what’s called the father wound. And Farrell points out that the lasting damage of fatherlessness or emotionally distant dads. I tend to manifest where men often crave from women the validation that they [00:09:00] did not get from their fathers. There’s other theories out there. The Imago theory of relationships talks a bit about this.
Um, young yin um, psychology talks about this. Um, but one man I coached fell very, very hard for women that were giving him what the modern day. Or it is called breadcrumbs, right? Little scraps of attention. And to be honest, it actually was mirroring the way he longed for approval from his father, who never really saw him.
And those relationships for him were very draining, very unbalanced, and very short lived, as you can imagine. But when he began his journey of doing the work. And when I say the work, it’s not just coaching with Kimberly, right? It’s it’s trial and error. Some, for some people it’s journaling, meditation, therapy, psychedelic integration, coaching.
There’s various forms of support. Not all are created equal and not all are the right thing for everybody, so you have to figure it out. [00:10:00] But when he began to do the work and his combination with some journaling, some therapy and some coaching, he recognized. His own pattern and he stopped cha because he recognized it and wanted to change it.
Right? He stopped chasing avoidant women. Okay. And attracted consistent warm women who valued him. Healing old wounds changes who you allow into your life. Healing old wounds allows changes who you allow into your life. So lesson number three that we can learn from the Boy crisis is redefining masculinity in your own life.
And Ferrell explains that Men today get mixed cultural messaging. Be strong, but don’t be too strong. Be sensitive, but not too sensitive. You know, it’s like really overwhelming and confusing. And this confusion has created two [00:11:00] extremes. The overcompensating, macho guy. Or the timid, misunderstood, quintessential nice guy.
You can also see this, I mean, if, if you have an Instagram account, you uh, have a Facebook feed, you’re involved in social media to some degree, you’re seeing this polarization in these extremes as well with women saying, we don’t need men. We can be single moms, blah, blah, blah. And then men going, we don’t need women.
Screw women. Women have no value. Men go their own way. The, these are not healthy polarities, right? Extremes usually don’t tend to be particularly healthy, so this is creating a lot of confusion. Uh, and this overcompensation or timid nice guy thing, um, is not creating, cultivating healthy, loving, genuine lasting relationships.
So a divorce client of mine. It was falling into this kind of definition of this nice guy thing. He would pay for everything on his dates. He agreed with everything women said. He never really expressed his [00:12:00] real opinions because he was trying to be polite and, and not get into arguments. And what happened was women would constantly friend zone him.
Um, there, there just wasn’t any polarity there. But once he realized that he could. Start speaking his truth kindly but firmly, kindly, but firmly. This is assertiveness, right? Everything changed for him and on one date, um, he actually, he just said to the woman, Hey, look, I gotta be honest with you, I don’t really drink much anymore.
And to be, to be honest, the way I like to spend my weekends is really to be outside and in nature. And he wasn’t sure how she was gonna respond to that and if she was gonna be okay with that. And was surprise. She was like, wow, that’s really refreshing. Um, most men just say what they think I wanna hear.
And what I wanna kind of highlight here is masculinity isn’t about fitting into some kind of predefined box. There’s no like checklist for masculinity. It’s about being grounded in your own truth. So you have to figure it out for yourself. Right? Not my definition, not, [00:13:00] uh, some AI generated definition online.
It’s like, what’s. What’s your unique self? What? How do you get grounded in your own truth? So lesson number four is leading with confidence and not neediness and feral notes that boys raised without affirmation grow into men who desperately seek it from women. You can see how you don’t have enough of it, so you want more of it later.
Um, what you’re looking for is, is obviously, um, creating unhealthy dynamics and, and it’s because it creates clinginess and it creates overinvestment, which pushes women away. And so an example here is a, uh, a client would, he would go over the top with planning of his dates. And so he would, you know, he would ask women to go for dinner, but he kind of had multiple things planned after that.
And then he would text quite a lot after that date. And women disappeared. And he wasn’t [00:14:00] figure, he wasn’t sure why. If women felt more comfortable to communicate, why they would’ve said to him, you’re way too much too soon. I’m overwhelmed. But they would. Women tend to be in direct communicators, so they would just subtly disappear, slowly disappear, right?
This kind of slow ghosting thing, it was just too much. It was just way, way too much, right? And so when we worked on his life and we shifted his approach, which was to actually just prioritize himself, um, and give himself permission to do that, um, he also set better boundaries and he enforced those boundaries so he wouldn’t go on a first date that lasted more than two hours.
Okay. And he wouldn’t chase mixed signals. So if he felt like something was uncertain, he would leave it. And after a a one date, a woman said to him, you feel there’s something about you that’s different is basically what she said. She said, you feel so just different from other men that I’ve been with.
It’s rare to, for me to feel that way with somebody. And the point here is that confidence [00:15:00] is calm and it’s selective. Neediness is overwhelming and it’s not selective. And women feel the difference. They can’t always pinpoint it or put it in so many words, but they feel it. And so it’s what they move towards or what they move away from.
And why does this, why does any of this matter? Because if you are a man who is out there dating after a divorce, you might be feeling very discouraged. You probably have thought at one point that women really only want money or looks. And I’ve said multiple times, yes, there are women that are after that, but if you’re here on this channel, it’s because that’s not the type of woman you’re looking for.
The truth is the habits and the lessons that you build from your past, which I’ve talked about in different videos, how women are attracted to the lessons learned. But you gotta learn those lessons and you, you gotta, you gotta make positive changes in your life, right? You be like, oh, I’ve learned all these things and you still behave the same way.
That’s, that’s bravado, right? [00:16:00] So, um, especially guys, if you, you’re doing the work, this is what, it’s gonna make you magnetic and the boy crisis explains why so many men feel lost. And today’s just a very light summary of all of that. I really highly recommend you get in the book. I’m not. There’s no affiliate link.
I just, I think it’s a great, great read, and it could be very transformational for some men. Um, but it’s showing us a different way forward, purpose, healing, self-defined masculinity, uh, confident leadership. These things are good for you. And then they’re also what women are craving. So it’s, it’s. It’s a double, it’s a, I wanna say the trifecta, but it’s not three things.
It’s, it’s a good, a good, good way forward. Can’t think of the words right now. So I just wanna reemphasize that, you know, if you’re dating again after a divorce, you’re not broken because of a divorce or rejection that you’ve had, but you might be carrying wounds that haven’t been healed. And women don’t want perfection from men.
They, but they [00:17:00] do want men that are in motion, as I’ve mentioned before on this channel. They do want men that respect themselves and they do want men that are growing just like you want women that respect themselves and are growing. This is, this is the connectivity that we need. So if you’re interested, if you would like to.
Uh, grow and heal from some of these things, and maybe you haven’t felt that you can do that or you want to do that, or there’s the right method out there for you. Coaching is one of the ways. Coaching with me is one of the, one of the ways, and if you’re ready to step into that version of yourself, you’re welcome to book a complimentary call with me, see if we’re the right fit to work together.
I do a lot of this growth and reflection and healing so that the men that I work with really can. Understand who they are today and create purpose and direction moving forward. And as a result, attract the right types of women into their life so they can have very meaningful lives and very meaningful relationships.
[00:18:00] But if that’s not the kind of work you wanna do, that’s okay. If you’ve stuck with me, did they end here? And you think that there’s another man in your life that maybe could benefit from this video? Or from the book itself, sh share the love, spread the wisdom around. And I wanna thank you guys for being here and, uh, listening to me to the end.
That’s my, um, joy and my privilege to, to be a, a dating and relationship coach for men. I’ve been doing this for many years now. I really do enjoy working with men. Why? Why do I work with men and not with women? I like men. I’ve worked with men most of my life. I’ve worked with men in financial derivative.
I also have a soft spot for men because there were some really great men in my life growing up that aren’t here anymore. And it makes me very sad. And I think that we need men to love themselves more and women to love themselves more. And I think society would find its way back to a healthier place if, um, if we loved ourselves more and we had more purpose and more direction.
So thanks for tuning in to today’s video guys. Look forward to another one next week Job.
