For some people, dating seems to be easy. Everything falls into place, they have great dates, and within weeks, they find someone they fall madly in love with. They move in, get married and have two beautiful children. All the while, you’re still doubting yourself, struggling to set up an online profile and feeling like a lost cause. Oh, and those people in that fantasy were both skinny.
But for those of us that carry extra weight, we might feel undeserving of love. And we’re certainly no strangers to fat shaming. And if you’ve tried dating and failed, you may have reached a point of obliterated self-esteem because you think the only way to find true love is to suffer through diet and exercise.
However, there is someone out there for all of us. And to find that special someone, we must first break through some of the limiting beliefs that are holding us back.
Those beliefs are:
- Women won’t date overweight men.
- Women care only about looks and money.
Firstly, let me point out that both these beliefs are entirely untrue, yet they hold back thousands of men when it comes to dating.
You may think your size disqualifies you from the dating pool, but it’s not true. Plenty of women will date men who carry extra weight. And yes, it’s also true that many women won’t date men that are overweight, but that doesn’t mean it’s true for all women. What we have to be careful of here of what’s called cognitive distortions. If you buy into your dating experiences as black and white, you’ll fall prey to thinking that just because one woman didn’t want to date you because of your size, all women don’t want to date you; and that’s simply not true.
You may also believe that women care only for looks and money. And if you believe that, you might even become resentful towards women. But studies show that personality has a greater effect on who women find attractive. Women who take dating seriously, are searching for a compatible life partner, someone with whom they can share experiences, or start a family with.
If you’re able to work through these beliefs, you’ll face a much higher chance of success when dating. Here are some other suggestions you can implement while you explore dating:
1. Be Honest About Your Weight. Don’t try and hide your weight or hide from the world. If you’re setting up an online profile, don’t get tempted to use outdated photos of when you looked different. Rather, focus on demonstrating who you are today and what makes you a great catch. This will paint you in an honest and favourable light.
2. Don’t Make Your Weight Your Defining Feature. Resists the temptation to make your weight the focus of conversations or excuse yourself for carrying extra weight. While you may be working on changing your body, it doesn’t mean you need to let everyone into your weight-loss journey, diet plan or fitness regime. Talk about other areas of your life, such as your hobbies, passions and favourite travel destinations and this will make you come across as more confident about who you are.
3. Continue To Be Proactive. The truth is rejection plagues all of us. Find ways to embrace body positivity and continue to put yourself out there. It only takes one person to change your situation in love. Start counting your wins versus tallying your losses.
4. Have Realistic Expectations. While some individuals will list being overweight as a dealbreaker, many women will focus on the quality of the connection, how you make them feel, and humour and intelligence as a higher priority than weight. Search for these women.
5. Be Stylish For Your Size. If you’ve gained weight, it’s no reason to stop taking care of your body or dressing well. Make sure you’re wearing clothes and styles that suit you and don’t make the common error of trying to hide your body by wearing oversized t-shirts or jerseys. If you need to update your wardrobe or invest in some new clothing, do that for yourself so you feel comfortable and stylish when you head out of the house.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men, and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast where she talks candidly about life, dating and relationships. She supports men to find and keep healthy, loving relationships while overcoming guilt, shame and self-limited beliefs. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill for daily inspiration, or to learn more information and book a complimentary call, head over to her website here.
