After multiple years of working with men in the dating space, I’ve come to realize one thing: dating is inherently harder for men. And it’s becoming increasingly more difficult.
I often hear men sharing their frustrations about navigating online dating sites, the pressure to initiate all interactions and the constant rejection that follows. All leading to feelings of hopelessness about their dating prospects. But the biggest complaint I hear has everything to do with communication.
Here’s why you might be feeling that same confusion.
Simply put, men and women have different communication skills, especially around emotions. While these are generalizations and not all men and women communicate in the same way, research suggests there are common patterns in how men and women communicate.
For example:
- Verbal vs. nonverbal communication: Men tend to rely more on verbal communication, while women often use both verbal and nonverbal cues, such as body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, to convey their message.
- Direct vs. indirect communication: Men often communicate directly and in a straightforward manner, while women may use more indirect language and hints to express themselves.
- Information vs. Connection: Men often use communication to convey information or to solve problems, whereas women often use communication to establish connections and build relations.
- Dominance vs. Equality: Men may use communication to establish dominance or power in a conversation while women seek more equal and collaborative relationships.
- Side by side vs. eye contact: Men can talk more easily to women when they are situated shoulders shoulder whereas women talk more easily when they are making eye contact.
- Listening styles: Men often use communication to assert their opinions and ideas, while women may be more inclined to listen actively and provide emotional support.
So you can see there are a number of ways for communication to feel ineffective.
These often unacknowledged differences make connecting and communicating with women more challenging for men today.
And when you are trying to do this by text or via a dating app, it becomes even worse. Texting is a great way to miscommunicate how you feel and misinterpret what someone else means.
It is also true that men’s emotional processing capacity is often much slower than women’s. This isn’t a bad thing, it just means that since men want to keep up, they often stress and worry about what to say or simply shut down when a clear thought doesn’t come to them.
Since men are socialized to speak in direct ways with each other, when they encounter a more nuanced and tonal conversation it can throw them for a loop.
Have you ever felt stressed about what to say to a woman or what text to send her?
My guess is your answer is yes. And if that’s the case, read on as I’m going to share a few ways you can build your confidence around communicating with women.
- Opt for more open-ended questions for deeper understanding. Since women communicate to connect, focus on asking questions to learn and understand her. Open-ended questions move you away from small talk and invite and encourage deeper conversation.
- Practice understanding and picking up nonverbal cues. Since our body language is used to communicate our feelings and intentions, when you are able to pick up these non-verbal signs, you’re able to understand and interpret any unspoken issues and feelings.
- Never assume you know what somebody is thinking. While reading body language is important and gives us cues into what someone may be thinking or feeling, you never want to assume you know. So learn to check in and ask if what you’re noticing or picking up on is in fact the truth. For example, I noticed you’re a little quieter today, is everything okay?
- Become better at active listening. Active listening is more than simply being quiet while someone else is talking. It means you’re paying attention, acknowledging the message that is being shared, and clarifying along the way.
- Learn to be more specific and clear. Nobody likes guessing what someone needs or wants. So stick to phrases and words that are easy for people to understand. For example, if you want to ask her out, do just that. Don’t inquire about her schedule or weekend plans, or try to hint at asking her out. Being direct and clear.
Kimberly Hill is a leading Dating & Relationship Coach For Men, and the Host of The Self-Confidence Project Podcast where she talks candidly about life, dating and relationships. She supports men to find and keep healthy, loving relationships. You can follow her on Instagram @kimberlyninahill for daily inspiration, or to learn more information and book a complimentary dating strategy call click here.
