In this video, I’m breaking down what it really means when a woman thrives on chaos — and how to stop confusing emotional volatility for chemistry. I’ll share the 5 signs of emotional immaturity to look for early on in dating, plus real examples from my own past of what this looks like and why so many men mistake it for attraction. If you’ve ever walked on eggshells in a relationship, this one’s for you.
P.S. If you’re a man navigating dating after divorce, don’t go it alone. My free masterclass was made for you—learn how to rebuild confidence, attract the right women, and avoid common post-divorce mistakes. Watch it here.
Ready for tailored support? Book your 1:1 dating strategy call with me here and let’s map out your next steps.
See you next week,
Kimberly
Here’s the transcript:
You cannot build peace with a woman who ultimately thrives on chaos. And I say this because maybe you have dated. A woman in your past, maybe you were married initially to a woman who you thought was incredibly magnetic. She was smart, she was beautiful, she was full of energy, but somehow, somewhere, the relationship left you as a man walking on eggshells, right?
That feeling where you always. Want to say the perfect thing or show up the perfect way or do the perfect act of service because if you don’t, you risk an argument that might come out of nowhere or you risk the holiday being ruined, or you risk chaos happening at your family dinner. And the truth that a lot [00:01:00] of men may need to hear is that.
You are not too much. You’re not a completely broken human that just can’t hack it in a relationship. You’re not ultimately boring. Maybe you might be more emotionally mature for the relationship the woman you were with might have been ready for. So what I’m highlighting here, and what I honestly wanna share in this video is.
What happens when a woman is emotionally immature? What does that mean? What does that look like early on in a relationship? And how can you stop confusing chaos in a relationship for chemistry? Okay, now welcome to this channel. My name is Kimberly Hill. I support good-hearted men to attract deeply loving relationships.
Go on to have successful, loving, intimate long-term relationships. And I know many of you that are [00:02:00] coming to this channel or subscribing to this channel or watching my content are men that are dating again after a separation, after a divorce, after the end of a long-term relationship, you are being thrust back into this world of modern dating.
Speed dating, online dating? Do I choose match? Do I choose hinge? Do I choose Bumble? What are the pros and the cons? How do I approach women in today’s kind of gender war revolution? How do you go about dating when really you don’t wanna contend with all of that? You simply want to find a person to have a deeply loving, respectful relationship with.
Well, sometimes we have to sift through all the noise in order to have what we truly want. And that’s what I try to demystify and provide clarity on in this channel, in the, in the coaching that I do. If that’s of interest to you, you’re welcome to book a complimentary call and see if we’re right to work together.
Now, I wanna highlight noticeable things that women will do or beliefs they will have [00:03:00] that really give you evidence that you’re dating a woman who hasn’t developed her emotional maturity and. It’s not to say that this woman doesn’t have a good heart or she doesn’t mean well. Many women do mean well, but they may not have learned how to be emotionally stable.
Now, if you’re trying to date a woman who hasn’t learned how to be emotionally stable, that is going to look like chaos in your relationship, so you wanna understand. What to be mindful of so you don’t follow the path of chasing a woman who’s attractive and beautiful, but is going to create or cultivate a relationship that feels really miserable.
Or feels like you’re constantly going through peaks of great times and really deep, uh, dark times as well. Like maybe this will [00:04:00] be the best weekend we ever have together. Or maybe it will be the worst weekend we ever, we ever have together. I don’t know which way it’s gonna go. I’m not sure if what I say is gonna create a chain reaction that’s gonna ruin our time together.
So here’s some things to keep in mind. Um, the first is that. Women who haven’t developed a lot of emotional maturity will confuse drama with passion. Okay, we’ll get these things confused, and it’s because emotionally immature women associate intensity with connection. If my connection is not intense, then it’s not a good connection.
Is the feeling mostly in her body she’ll have versus a conscious thought she’ll have. And when you look at this from an attachment theory perspective, this often comes from women who have developed anxious attachment systems, where love to them is always unpredictable. Love is inconsistent, or love is in fact conditional.
And what, what [00:05:00] happens? Is peace in a relationship? Consistency, stability starts to feel uncomfortable because it starts to feel like rejection because we have associated intensity with connection. So if it’s not intense, it’s not true love if we’re not. You know, meeting in the middle of the bridge to say, let’s get back together.
This isn’t the right relationship. Hollywood is, um, you know, pervading our minds with ideas that love needs to be really Hollywood style and really intense for it to be real, which isn’t the real truth. So if you’re a man who’s relatively calm and consistent in a relationship. A woman you’re dating might subconsciously start creating conflict to feel close to you.
Again, you might be saying to yourself, what is going on with her? You might be thinking, what is going on with this woman right now? I don’t understand where this is coming from. It might be coming from her nervous system, which is equating emotional spikes with [00:06:00] love. This is a tough one, and I’m gonna share a personal reflection here because.
I have been this woman years ago when I did not know how to express my emotions. I did not know how to say I was feeling deeply hurt or ignored or sad or whatever it might have been. I would pick fights over nothing. Okay? And I used. Quite creatively, I thought sarcasm or passive aggressiveness or anything that I felt I could dig out of my toolkit to create intensity in the relationship because that felt safer than vulnerability.
I didn’t know how to say I was feeling these things, so I created or fabricated intensity to try and get the closeness I was seeking, and it was a way for me and for many other women to get attention without having to say. I am hurting here is why Now for some women, that [00:07:00] really is the only language they have ever known for connection.
Okay? So what I want to share with you guys is how can you get a sense of whether a woman is believing this or feels this way early on in the dating scene because. Naturally we, we are trying to really get to know who somebody is, and what you will notice is that this kind of woman flirts with chaos.
And what I mean by that is she’ll say to you like, oh, I’m really gonna keep you on your toes a lot. And she means that she will, right or she will withdraw after a mutually great date. Okay, and then she’ll reappear out of the blue to kind of test your reaction, right? You’re already getting a small dose, actually a fairly large dose of this push-pull dynamic, okay?
I can’t tell you that that connection felt good. I don’t know how to express even positive vulnerability, so I’m just gonna disappear. And then when I [00:08:00] reappear, I’m gonna see if you give me the reward and the dopamine that I need. ’cause I need to chase this intensity. Okay. You’re also gonna notice early on that this kind of woman, um, mistakes your emotional calm for a lack of spark.
She, I had a nice time with that guy, but like, I just didn’t feel the spark because she needs something grandiose. She needs something really, really big. Um, and that is not a chemistry, it’s a nervous system that is really hooked on. Those feelings of adrenaline. Many of you have probably had experiences where either you felt this way or you were dating a woman that was like this.
And while today I am highlighting things that you can be mindful of in women that create emotional immaturity, you might be listening to this and going. Oh my gosh, I am guilty of these things. Maybe I need to work on my own emotional maturity if I am wanting to attract a woman who meets that level of maturity.
[00:09:00] Now, secondly, if you notice a woman cannot take accountability, this is pretty much a non-starter. This is a, a good indication. She is not emotionally regulated. Um, and just simply not emotionally mature because if you constantly find. Yourself apologizing. That is your strategy that you need to put into place to keep the peace in a relationship while the woman you’re dating never takes any ownership.
That is not love. That’s emotional servitude. Okay, so malice likes to hide in self-righteousness. So a woman who refuses taking accountability is the type of woman that moves through life with a. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine kind of mindset. Everything is your fault. Her bad day has to do with you not listening enough.
Her mistakes have to do with you not understanding her. Everything gets twisted back to you [00:10:00] being the source of all of the problems. So hopefully you can notice this swan, but many of us, when we feel fondness for somebody or we feel attraction for somebody. We really take on board that I need to be the one doing better, and that becomes an uphill battle for many men.
Now, science you wanna look for early on in dating to indicate a woman cannot take accountability. Is she’s gonna be very dismissive of other people’s feelings. She’s gonna say something like, yeah, all my exes are crazy. All of them, all of your exes are crazy. You didn’t have anything to do with that, did you?
So she’ll say something like that. She’ll also joke about like, oh, I’m never wrong. Which that one was like a pretty stark mirror being held up to my face because. That actually sounded like me a lot in the past. Um, I couldn’t communicate my own feelings, so [00:11:00] because I couldn’t identify and communicate my own feelings, then I couldn’t take, couldn’t take accountability for my own feelings.
So there had to be a reason why my partner was the wrong person for me, or or wrong in that situation, that at the time I had no awareness of that. Right, because I didn’t know how to communicate, I just felt like something was off. Um, I just felt like something was wrong with the relationship. Like I looked for the reasons outside of myself instead of, um, asking questions like.
Why am I feeling so conflicted? What’s happening in my life? Like what’s going on with my emotional state? I didn’t have the ability at that time to be introspective enough to look, look deeply into myself. Um, you’re also gonna notice this in the early phases of dating. That when conflict arises with this woman, she focuses on your reaction and never her own behavior.
Your reaction is the problem, not what I did to contribute to that. It’s always your [00:12:00] reaction, boy. So be mindful of that. And this pattern will show up very quickly. And usually this will show up within the first few disagreements, which is why it’s really important not to. Massively commit to somebody until you’ve, you know, you’ve gone through some trials and tribulations with ’em, or you’ve had some disagreements on certain things because no relationship is perfectly perfect.
Um, and you need to kind of understand who somebody truly is to decide if they’re like your ride or die partner for the rest of your life. Okay? So if a woman, um, lacks the ability to take ownership early on, um, that’s not just gonna begin happening later on in the relationship. It’s a big red flag.
Accountability is ultimately the foundation of safety. So without it, relationships turn into psychological endurance tests. Very, very exhausting. Start to interfere with all other areas of your life. You won’t perform at Perform at work as well. You won’t push as hard in the gym. You won’t connect with your friends as well because you are psychologically [00:13:00] absolutely drained all the time.
Now, something to be mindful of that indicates a woman is emotionally immature if she’s going to avoid honest conversations, and it’s probably because, um, she doesn’t have. The intuition of her own emotions. So emotional maturity requires emotional regulation. It requires the ability to be able to stay grounded when things are feeling uncomfortable.
This is hard for a lot of people. We get uncomfortable. We start to, um, act out in ways of like our 6-year-old child and our 6-year-old child’s coping mechanisms. Run away, get upset, throw toys in the air. But when we’re older, we can’t act that way. Not if we wanna have a healthy, loving relationship. So you’ll notice emotionally immature women.
Will avoid a depth because it’s also threatening their sense of safety and control in a relationship. Now, to look at this through an attachment lens, women who are avoidant, attached, okay, [00:14:00] individuals, T which you know, typically develop in homes where. Um, you know, emotional expression, uh, was minimized or punished.
Like, don’t be needy, don’t be, don’t cry. You know, tho those types of feelings are not okay here, or those things were punished, then obviously that person or woman or man learned that vulnerability is dangerous, that that’s a threat to getting what I need. My dinner at night, my comfort from my parents, so.
Um, they will use defenses to avoid being vulnerable. It’s learned behavior. I’ll use humor. I’ll deflect, I’ll distract you sexually. You wanna bring up a conversation about our finances and then I, you know, flirt with you and change the subject that is ultimately avoiding. Honest conversations through sexual manipulation.
Um, or maybe I’m just gonna be more outward about it and just say, oh, this is petty stuff. Or Why are you being dramatic? Or Why are you trying to ruin the night by bringing this subject up? That’s someone who is avoiding honest [00:15:00] conversations because they’ve learned that being vulnerable is not okay, or they don’t have the ability to feel safe within themselves being vulnerable.
So. You try and talk about how you felt really dismissed by this woman last night. She laughs it off, she changes the subject, or she initiates sex, completely distracts you, so you suppress your needs, wants and desires. Um, this isn’t random, right? This is an emotional, it’s. Skate hatch, and I want you to be aware of it and a personal reflection here because, you know, I created this list based on some of my own emotional immaturity, is I used to use humor in the same way.
In fact, I still do to some degree. So I don’t wanna face hard feelings. I’ll make a joke about it. It diminishes it. It takes away the feeling of vulnerability. Laughter is often easier than true. So if you’re noticing that every attempt at honesty is getting minimized. You are not in a partnership, you are in a performance.
Take note. Okay? [00:16:00] Number four is a woman who plays power games to feel safe within a relationship. Um, we think this is about dominance. It’s very much about control. So when a woman doesn’t feel emotionally safe with a. We’re emotionally safe in the context of a relationship. She’ll try to control her environment to protect herself from feeling exposed, from feeling rejected.
She’s gonna pull you really close to her. Um, but that starts to feel uncomfortable, so she’ll push you away. She’s gonna withhold affection. She’ll use things like silence or test how far she can go before you react to her. And it’s not that a woman doesn’t care deep down. It’s that vulnerability feels to this woman like losing.
And you hear a lot of women say, I really want an emotionally regulated, emotionally intelligent man. And a lot of women don’t even know what they’re asking for because they themselves are not actually embodying what they’re asking for. They’re not even understanding what it [00:17:00] means. These terms get used so loosely without proper definition.
So it’s easy to say, I want a man who’s acts. When I don’t have any clue how to embody that myself. Now, from an attachment perspective, this type of behavior of wanting to kind of play power games to feel safe, it shows up very much in disorganized attachment when a woman or a man you know is craving closeness, but also.
Equally fears that. So it becomes a constant tug of war between, I need you, but don’t get too close, but I need you. But don’t get too close. So, um, I’ve had many clients that have, um, dated women that have been like this and they think, God, when the relationship is good, it’s so good. But every time I try and talk to her about the next steps in the relationship, she like, needs a month break from me.
And so, oh, I must have said it wrong. I better give her that space. You’re in a bad pattern here. Now, some of the things you wanna be mindful of to kind of get a sense of this early on in dating is this woman is gonna be the type of [00:18:00] woman that cancels plans to see if you chase her right. She’s also gonna be the kind of woman that posts stuff online to kind of make you jealous, right?
These are, these are games, these are power games. Or she’ll say. You know, she’ll make offhand comments like, I love it when guys have to work for it or, or men have to earn it. It’s like, okay, you’re telling us what you really feel and think here because a mature woman, she doesn’t test, she communicates.
Immature women seem to use control to try and feel a sense of desire. They’ll play with you, um, to get what they want now. The last one I want you all to be very mindful of is a woman who lacks self-awareness. This is the most pervasive issue because it’s, this is a fundamental one that creates maturity for all the other layers I talked about here.
Now, self-awareness is the ability to observe one self, to ask yourself, why am I reacting this way? What am I trying to [00:19:00] avoid here? Without the ability to observe oneself, nothing changes. And this is so common because self-awareness requires your ego to die a little bit, if not a lot of it, it demands sitting with your own discomfort.
It. It demands that you take responsibility, which a lot of people don’t like doing, and it means that you have to admit you might be part of the problems that are happening in your life. A lot of people don’t want to admit they’re part of the problem, and most people, not just women, have never learned emotional reflection.
We’re not, we’re taught to debate in high school to write speeches about other subjects, other people, external s um, psychotherapy, ex analyzing other people’s minds. We don’t have self-awareness 1 0 1 class where we start to look at who we are and our role in this world. Some [00:20:00] people find that through faith.
Some people find that through meditation. Some people find that through various forms of self-help. That’s, you know, where I learned it. I never really learned, okay, take stock of how I’m being presented outward. Um, so. Many of us are operating on autopilot, so we continue to repeat patterns, we continue to blame others.
We never pause to ask, what is my role here? So how can you tell if a woman really lacks self-awareness? Well, one is that she’ll have no curiosity about her past relationships because there’s nothing to learn there, at least from her perspective, right? She’ll also speak in absolutes. So people that are not looking inwards at their own behavior will say, men always act.
Women always XI never whatever. Fill in the sentence. So you, you’ll speak in absolutes, um, and you’ll notice that women react, okay, they react to stuff, but they don’t reflect on things. There’s [00:21:00] a big difference between reacting in the moment to truly reflecting on. My role and my behavior. So without self-awareness, emotional growth is pretty much impossible because you just can’t fix what you refuse to see.
So I wanted to put this video out to highlight what really does emotional immaturity look like. This isn’t just so you can spot this in women, but honestly like so you can spot this within yourself. Just as I went through this video and went guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty, can think of specific examples of how I showed up in an immature way.
You know, and many of my relationships still do to a degree in my current relationship, but I have a lot more of an ability to. Reflect after I’ve maybe reacted, and I think that can be a good enough place to get to is maybe we’re never gonna be perfect with our reactions. We can always strive to be, but at least we can reflect on them and come to our partners and say, you know what?
I was wrong. I got really flooded in that moment and I see that [00:22:00] I hurt you and I wanna take responsibility for, I interpreted that information wrong, or I know that IX, y, Z to you and um, I’m sorry and I love you. And we need to be able to repair better, to have loving relationships. So emotional immaturity doesn’t make somebody evil, it just means that they have some learning to do in order to cultivate long-term healthy relationships.
And if you’re a man who has really done the work. You value, peace, clarity, and communication, then you don’t wanna be shrinking yourself to fit, um, chaos. Even if it’s packaged attractively, right? The right woman is not gonna punish you for being. Reliable and calm. She’s gonna match that. She’s not gonna make you guess how she feels.
She’s going to tell you. Um, she’s not gonna confuse control with connection. She’ll choose collaboration with you. Um, that’s what emotional maturity looks like. You deserve to have that. Maybe it’s about filtering out women more appropriately as you date them, or maybe it begins with [00:23:00] recognizing I need to do more.
Of this myself in order to attract it from the opposite sex. So I hope that this was helpful. Um, please share this with anyone, um, that could really use just a reminder on these things. I think it’s important to. Look inwards and also assess our long-term partners, um, you know, through the right lens ultimately, in terms of the qualities that are gonna help us have loving long-term sustainable relationships.
Um, we would love to hear your thoughts and comments below. Thank you very much guys for tuning into another episode of the Self-Confidence Project and see you next time. Ciao.
