Three great dates. Real chemistry. You suggest date number four, and she writes back: “haha sounds fun!” No day, no question back. It doesn’t feel like a yes, and it doesn’t feel like a no. It just feels like she went cold, and suddenly you’re rereading her texts at eleven at night trying to figure out what it means. In this episode I’ll show you why you can’t solve that puzzle by guessing, and what you can do instead. You’ll learn a simple test to tell whether she’s busy or fading, how to check in with yourself about whether you genuinely like her, and a clear, low-pressure way to ask her out again. Then we get to the part so many good men miss: the crossroads. You can stay on the sidelines living on breadcrumbs, or you can choose self-respect and be honest about the consistency you need. I’ll also explain the psychology of why breadcrumbs feel so hard to walk away from, and what to do when she pops back up two weeks later with “hey stranger!” This is for good-hearted men dating after divorce or a long-term relationship who want a genuinely loving connection, not just another date.
Why did she go cold • she stopped texting after a few dates • mixed signals from a woman • breadcrumbing in dating • what to text when she goes quiet • dating after divorce for men
Links and Free Resources:
1. Free Guide: “Why You’re Not Finding Love (And The Inner Shift that Changes Everything)” → https://datingcoach.
2. Dating After Divorce? Get The Relationship You Want with Dating Mastery for Men → https://datingcoach.
3. Audio Masterclass: Relax and Enjoy Conversations With Women Here → https://datingcoach.
So let’s say you’ve been on three great dates with a new woman. Your conversation is flowing, she’s laughing at your jokes, things are feeling good. There’s real chemistry that’s developing between the two of you. And naturally, because things have gone well for three dates, you’re thinking about planning date number four.
And so you do that by picking up your phone, you send her a message, and you suggest your next date together. And she writes back something along the lines of, “Ha ha, sounds fun.” No question back, no confirmation, no day, just, “Ha ha, sounds fun.” And this is a wall. It doesn’t feel like she’s saying yes to your date.
It also doesn’t feel like she’s saying no to your date It just feels a little bit weird. What is she trying to say? And so your stomach drops a little bit, and panic sets in. Did you say something wrong to her on that third date? Is she seeing [00:01:00] somebody else? What does this even mean when a woman answers you but doesn’t really answer you?
Now, let me explain because by the end of today’s video, you’re gonna have a clear move for exactly this moment that many great men find themselves in, and you’re gonna understand what words to send a woman, and a quick little test just to tell if she’s truly busy or her interest is fading. And I also wanna share with you what you can do when a woman pops back up two weeks later with, “Hey, stranger” because this isn’t a waiting room for you men.
It is a checkpoint, and you get a vote too. Now, welcome to this channel. My name is Kimberly. I’m a dating and relationship coach for men. I support good-hearted men to attract and keep deeply loving relationships. Now, there’s a couple things that I just wanna mention before we dive into today’s video. If you’re new to this channel or you’re new to listening to this podcast and [00:02:00] you want, you know, somewhere to start, I put together a free guide called Why You’re Not Finding Love.
It’s nine chapters. It’s very direct. It’s gonna help demystify the dating process or maybe some of the things that are causing you frustration in the dating space, especially for men that are dating again after a long-term relationship has ended, or you’re separated, or you’ve gone through a divorce.
Now, for those men that are, you know, really ready to transform their dating lives, that are serious about finding a deeply loving partner and having a healthy monogamous relationship, as many of you know, I’ve taken time off from doing one-on-one work. But I have replaced it with my self-paced program called Dating Mastery for Men.
It goes places that this channel and podcast does not go, and it’s structured in a way to take you from really understanding dating and women and what’s going on internally with yourself to actually having the results that you [00:03:00] want in dating. Now, if you’re interested in either of those, you’re welcome to check them out in the link of this YouTube description, and of course, on my main channel there’s a link there to access all of this stuff as well.
Now, here’s the thing when you’re dating a woman. When things are going well, and maybe something shifts just a little bit You can’t read a woman’s mind as much as you’d like to. Now, somewhere around date three or four or five, the truth is in dating, you know, the novelty, you know, it, it gets filed down just a little bit, and that happens for both of you.
And a bigger question starts to show up, which is, “Hey, is this, is this actually something? Are we going somewhere? You know, we’ve had a couple dates now, like, is this gonna be my person?” And, you know, this could be kind of known as the date three checkpoint. It’s not a formal checkpoint, but naturally this happens around date three with a lot of people, and it’s exactly where a lot of really great men such as [00:04:00] yourself get into their own heads.
Why is this woman feeling cold all of a sudden? Is she busy? Is she scared? Is there someone else in the picture? Is she just not feeling it? Did I say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, show up the wrong way? And to be honest with you, any of those things could be the reason, and you’re never really going to know for sure because you just can’t read a woman’s mind no matter how much you try.
But the thing is, is that our brains despise this. There’s a study out of University College, uh, University College London found that people were more stressed out when they didn’t know whether they were going to get a small electric shock than they were when they knew for certain they would get that shock.
So what this is really proving is that not knowing, the not knowing can actually [00:05:00] feel worse than having bad news, which is why you might be staying up late in bed rereading those text messages you sent her at 11:00 PM like you’ve missed some kind of context in there or there’s some secret code that you need to unravel.
So what I really wanna help you understand is how you can put your energy into what you can control if you are a man that’s found yourself a couple dates in thinking something feels a little different or her response to me, um, you know, felt a little cold or like maybe there is a wall up there. Now There’s a simple test that I have talked about before is if you ask a woman out, and she cannot make the date that you have suggested, the simple test, guys, is does she offer you an alternative?
If she says something to the effect of, “This week is super crazy, but how about Tuesday instead?” That is a resounding [00:06:00] yes. This woman may have reasons why she’s truly busy, but she is telling you in a tiny amount of words and very low effort that she still wants to see you. So relax and go enjoy that Tuesday date.
But if you get a kind of reply that you’re really not understanding, such as the, “Ha ha, sounds fun” to your date suggestion, or, “Yeah, maybe, let me just, you know, s- check with my calendar. Things are a little hectic,” or, uh, “Yeah, let me get back to you. Uh, my family’s coming into town,” but then she doesn’t get back to you, and that’s a wall, right?
Now, this doesn’t mean it’s a definite no, she’s lost interest in you, you gotta give up on it, but it is not a yes to your date either, and this is where your ability to make a appropriate move comes in. But first before you do that, I really want you to check in with yourself because [00:07:00] one thing I’ve found with a lot of really great men that I’ve worked with, especially men that are dating again soon after a divorce or after a relationship that, you know, really rocked them, is the question they often ask is, “Does this woman like me?”
versus, “Do I actually like her?” And this seems very simple, but it’s monumental. And so you can ask yourself three things. You know, d- so far what I’ve known from this woman on these three dates, do her values line up with mine? It needs to be leaning towards a yes, right? You have to ask yourself, what do you admire about this woman other than her good looks?
See if you can even name three things you admire about her, and if you keep coming back to, “Well, she’s just super gorgeous,” that’s just something worth noticing, right? And of course, you wanna ask yourself, is this woman’s effort beginning to match my effort? Now, if you ask those questions and you realize, “Maybe her values don’t [00:08:00] really line up with me.
I kind of am into her ’cause she’s hot, and she isn’t giving me a whole lot of effort,” well, the truth is you’re probably not that into her. You’re just lusting for her, and when you can understand that distinction, you can actually save yourself a lot of weeks of pain. But if you ask yourself those questions and you determine, “You know what?
I really do like this woman, like beauty and internal beauty. Her values are lining up with mine. I really admire lots of qualities about her. She is putting in some effort here.” Well, this is a good thing to understand, and now you know what you’re standing for. Now, what happens is here’s your move, especially if you’re trying to, you know, when you’re coming up against this what feels like a supposed wall.
Firstly, make sure when you sent the text to her asking her out that you actually asked her out. And what I’m saying here is a lot of men send messages to women which aren’t particularly [00:09:00] that clear, such as, “Yeah, we should hang out again sometime,” or, you know, “Yeah, um, let’s touch base next week and set up another date,” or things that aren’t actually a specific time and date.
And those types of messages that men can send, especially if you’re a little afraid she might say no, you sometimes will kind of try and ask indirectly, and those are texts that, that women can very easily answer with, “Ha ha, sounds fun.” What you need to make sure you have done is that you have given her a real day and a time.
“I’d love to see you again. Are you free Saturday night?” Okay, so the first thing is just making sure that if you’re coming up against a wall, your message about the date was clear and concise. Now, the second thing you guys need to do is if she replies to you but she doesn’t commit or offer an alternative time, that doesn’t mean that you should wait around forever, but you also don’t wanna go, “Okay, now here’s my chance to kind of launch into this.
Well, are we on the same [00:10:00] page? Where is this relationship going?” Often that’s a little too presumptuous and too early to have this big talk. So what I would suggest here is actually keeping it light, something like, “No problem at all. Let me know by Thursday if Saturday will work out for you. And if not, we’ll find another time.”
So it’s easy, it’s friendly, it’s not a lot of pressure, but you’re also a man that’s saying, “Okay, I’ve s- I’ve asked her out. She didn’t give me a yes, but she didn’t give me a no. I’m just gonna just follow up because I have self-respect and standards” and say, “Well, let me know by this date.” Because if a woman doesn’t know when she needs to get back to you by, it’s easy for her, for the days to slip on and on, and then Saturday comes around.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve been in my head. I was really busy. Yeah, I still really wanna go out with you.” But what she’s done here is she’s She hasn’t treated you with the respect that you deserve, and so just that additional message will help her understand where your line is, where your boundary is. Now, [00:11:00] here’s the part that a lot of really great men miss.
So maybe you’ve done both of those things. You’ve asked her out clearly, you’ve given her a date to respond by, and she still hasn’t committed or come back with another time. Not one reply to you. What you’re seeing here now is a pattern. And so, gentlemen, you have now found yourselves at a crossroads. You have the choice to go down road number one, keep going as you are.
You’re waiting for her to text when it’s convenient for her. You take whatever attention she has to spare. You stay on the sidelines because you’re hoping that one day she’ll have more time for you, and she’ll put you in the game. But the other road, you choose what’s called self-respect, and this is a hard road to choose, especially if you’re hurting and grieving from the pain of a relationship.
Now, you let her know kindly and [00:12:00] clearly that you need consistency for any relationship to move forward. And to be clear, when I use the word consistency at this stage, it doesn’t mean you’re asking her to text you all day long. It means that she replies with an answer, she makes plans, and she follows through.
That’s a very reasonable and respectful thing to want from someone you’re investing time in. Something like, “You know, I’ve really enjoyed our time together, and I like you a lot, but I’ve learned I need consistency with somebody I’m dating. If that’s not lining up for you right now, it’s completely okay, and I’ll step back.
I wish you all the best.” So it is a bit of a, “Hey, I’m not getting what I need at a minimum to pursue this despite how much I like you, and so I’m choosing to step away.” A lot of women don’t get those messages. The men who have the courage to say, “I don’t wanna settle for the bare minimum,” are the [00:13:00] most attractive men out there.
Now, it’s not an ultimatum, right? You are genuinely being honest about what you need and what you’re willing to accept, and that in itself is inherently such an attractive quality. And here’s the key. If you go down that road, only send that message if you’re genuinely okay with either answer that she gives you, which is, “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry.
Yes, let’s go on the date,” or, “Hey. Yeah, things are too hectic. I appreciate it. It’s been nice getting to know you,” right? If part of you is secretly sending that message hoping that it’s gonna scare her into committing to you, then it stops being honest, and it turns into a tactic, and she’s gonna figure that out.
Now, psychologists sometimes call this being, well, outcome independent, okay? What, what this means is you care. You care about her reply, but your self-worth isn’t dependent on it And that’s what makes that kind of message land with the dignity that you’re, [00:14:00] um, intending it to. And only one of these crossroads, okay?
Only one of these paths down the crossroad is going to lead you, men, to the relationship you truly want, which is with a woman that you obviously find attractive, but with the foundation of respect, because it’s so, so important. Now, the honest truth is it’s very tempting to hang on the sidelines for a little while, and a reason for this is a modern dating term called breadcrumbs.
Now, many of you have heard of this, but it’s when somebody… It’s like leaving a little trail of breadcrumbs, right? You don’t get the whole slice, you just get these tiny little bits, and your hunger is still there. And when somebody or a woman you’re dating is kind of warm every now and then, she sends a t- sweet text to you here and there, “So sorry, really busy.
Yeah, but it was fun hanging out last time,” you know, it creates what psychologists call [00:15:00] intermittent reinforcement. And many of you guys, if you’re gamblers, will know behavior psychologists, you know, will… B- basically, it’s the same thing that keeps you hooked on slot machines. Rewards that show up unpredictably keep you hooked far longer than rewards that show up reliably.
It’s why casinos have so many people in there losing money. Now, you never know when the next good message is coming from this woman, or compliment, or feel-good moment, so you ke- you keep pulling the lever of this relationship hoping you get more and more. And just a side note here, I had a client who lived in this pattern for a really long time.
Deep down, he genuinely felt he needed to earn a woman’s affection. This had a lot to do with his childhood. And so he’d invest so much in the early days of a relationship, the planning, the effort, the attention he would give women, and she… He would get, like, just this little bit back. He’d get the [00:16:00] warm text, the one kiss, the sweet moment, and to him, it felt monumental because when you work really hard for something, even a small reward can feel incredible.
Now, if you’ve seen my other, uh, video or podcast on emotionally unavailable women, you’ll recognize this as an anxious pattern that is in action. When love feels like something you have to earn, the hard-won, um, you know, the hard-won kind can start to feel like the only kind that is real. But that’s not how healthy relationships are supposed to feel.
It is supposed to flow a lot more naturally, and women who are genuinely right for you will show their affection openly, and they’ll have the decency to reschedule if they can’t make something. You’re not gonna have to dig for it all the time, and every round of doing that is gonna be exhausting. But for my former client, it chipped away a lot at his self-esteem.
Now, I [00:17:00] see this with highly intelligent, successful men, you know, especially when it’s a woman you find very attractive ’cause that keeps you on the sidelines often a lot longer than you should be. So if this sounds like you, you know, the question to sit with is, are you more focused on whether she likes you than whether she’s actually the right woman for you in the long term for the relationship you’re truly wanting?
Okay, closing that road isn’t chasing her. It’s… And it isn’t giving up, right? It’s, it’s choosing self-respect. It’s not saying, “Oh, I have to give up on all women.” It’s making sure that you are prioritizing yourself in the dating space because it’s these cycles that make dating incredibly exhausting and frustrating and make many men feel like they’re chasing their tails with women when the right woman hasn’t even shown up yet.
So [00:18:00] Nonetheless, I also just wanted to briefly mention about this, uh, woman popping back up later. Now, let’s say you choose that crosswor- road where you say to her, “Hey, look, I’m stepping back a bit,” and two weeks later she pops up and she’s like, “Hey stranger.” Right? Which happens, right? And you’re going like, “What?”
Like, it feels good to see the message from her, but maybe you’re a little bit dubious. Now, if she’s genuinely back, she’ll happily make plans with you. So if you’re still interested in her, it doesn’t mean you have to cut her out of your life, right? You can be warm. You can ask her for a date. “Great to hear from you.
Wanna grab dinner Thursday?” If she locks it in, wonderful. If she goes vague again, oh my gosh, beware. Here’s another breadcrumb. Don’t start this pattern all over again, guys. So you can’t read a woman’s mind, but you can ask clearly when you want a date. You can keep things light, and if she still can’t meet you there, then you have to choose the path of self-respect, okay?[00:19:00]
Either way, you are going to win, and, um, this is just a really important, you know, lesson for a lot of guys who, you know, feel a lot of pain in dating because it feels like a big waiting game. And it’s not just waiting for a woman to choose you, it’s actively saying, “Do I want to choose this woman with the behaviors and the things that I’m seeing in front of me?”
So hopefully this video has resonated with a lot of you. Please send it to someone who maybe needs this reminder. And of course, before I go, if something has really connected with you here today, check out my guide. You can check out Dating Mastery for Men. I also have an audio masterclass on 10 tips for talking and texting with women that can be really illuminating for a lot of people.
Um, but thank you for your valuable time, guys, and I’ll see you all next week. Ciao.
